Finding Meaning in this New Life
Since the day I realized I would survive Jeff’s death, I
have been trying to find meaning in this life of mine…this damn lonely
life. I have come to the conclusion I
was probably doomed to be damned from the day I was born. I am a firm believer that fate is what it
is. If one believes in the stars, if one
believes everybody has a predefined destiny, if one believes in these things…then
I guess this may be what I am talking about.
Although I am not confirming I believe in these things…I do however
believe in fate. It is not by chance I
continue to run into obstacles in my life.
Nothing in this life I live is ‘by chance’…nothing. All my life I have seen other people go
through life with seemingly no obstacles, but my life has been full of one
obstacle after another…how I wish I could have had that fun carefree sort of
life. I guess it was just not to be…not
for me anyway.
When I think back at my history…it is hard to ignore all the things which have happened to me. From my earliest memories to now, far too many aspects of my life have been uphill climbs. Sure we all have moments in our lives when things fall apart. These areas of our lives are construed as uphill climbs, or when we reminisce these areas may even be referred by us as the ‘worse time of my life.’ For me, it is as though these facets of my life are far too many. I am not talking about the deaths of recent years…I am talking about my life as a whole, and all the things that have occurred throughout my lifetime. Fate as one would call it, has taken its toll on me time and again. This is the very reason I am trying to find meaning in my life…in this life that is so full of pitfalls for me…this life, this new life without the aid of my son in it.
I simply try to only think of the present, taking one day at a time, while attempting to clarify my day to day emotions, my day to day struggles, and my day to day heartache. My hopes is that one day I will be able to live…live without thinking about my past and without thinking about my losses. Will that day ever come for me? Think about it…to have a day free of what ifs, to have a day in which I am not adding up my losses, to have a day free of guilt, to have a day free of feeling alone, to have a day free of worrying about the future, and to have a day free of these unexpected bouts of sorrow ‘coming out of nowhere’ to the surface making me double over in the process. What would that be like? Have I ever had that? It has been so very long since I have been truly happy…I sometimes wonder if I was ever happy in the first place. Is this what life had in stored for me from my beginning of my existence? Is this life of mine, my true fate? Will I always be alone…or will I someday get invited to parties and dinners without being the promoter of these events.
Several years after Steve died I found myself all alone on a holiday weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone, no invites to summer Bar-b-ques, nothing. After this long holiday weekend of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I realized it was always Steve and I who initiated the parties, game nights, dinners at our home for family and our circle of friends. I remember a few months later I invited my family and friends for dinner…a comment made by a dear friend, from time to time still makes an impact on my mind. When I invited her, she said, “It’s about time, I didn’t think you would ever have another party again.” Sometimes I wonder if that is all people want from me…you know…for me to hurry up and get back to living life as it should be lived…or at least the way they think it should be lived by me…you know…as the entertainer.
Life is a struggle for those of us who have lost their only child, or all their children. In my research I have found other parents who have lost children have gone through similar thoughts. We all have thoughts of what ifs, holidays, our future alone, growing old, etc. One parent on Word Press wrote;
I believe all, or at least most parents grieve their children as I do. I am not the exception to the rule…anyone who has lost a child, regardless of how old that child was when they died, misses their child. I wholeheartedly believe this. There are those who may never admit it, or who are afraid they will be seen as weak if they admit it…but I just do not care what others think anymore. I truly try not to dwell on his absence so that I can move forward…but some days are just harder than others. I am of the belief that all parents must go through this process of unknowns…we bereaved have all had similar thoughts and we have all, in our own way, gone through the five stages of grief.
This is very difficult for me…to allow others to know my fears of the future. It opens me up to ridicule, it leaves me vulnerable to the pity of those around me, and it leaves me wide open for others to take advantage of me. This…has happened to me already. My emotional state has allowed me to be taken advantage by co-workers. Those of you who are grieving…please listen to this:
My co-workers were abusing me at the workforce and I did not know it for a long time. In my grief I had no idea what was taking place. They bullied me, they threatened me time and again with a demotion or with the idea they were going to fire me. I, in my sorrow did not, could not, comprehend what was taking place in the job setting. This went on for over a year…think about this I was grieving my son’s passing and my coworkers knowing I was in a vulnerable state of mind proceeded to bully me, torment me, and harass me over and over. I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could not fight for myself…I honestly did not even know what was taking place for a long time.
Jeff and Steve, the two who always put me on a pedestal because they knew how very strong I was…they knew anything I set out to do, I would do…I know my men were watching me from another plane and they were not proud of me. My guys watched as I was harassed time and again and I did nothing…nothing until one of my co-workers came ever so close to physically assaulting me that I woke up and took action. And now, they will be lucky if they keep their jobs! So be careful…go ahead and grieve…but be cognizant of your surroundings in your sorrow. I learned the hard way, even people you think you can trust will hurt you…if they think they can get away with it.
So in this new life of mine, I have learned a lesson, and I am now fighting back! The co-workers who abused me will not get away with it…I will not allow them to walk away. Oh yes…my men are proud now. I have a long way to go in my bereavement, I have a long way to go in my quest to find meaning in this new life of mine...I have come far, and now there is no looking back. I wish I could find a way to change the things that have happened to me in this life…but how many times have we all been told, “You cannot dwell on the past, look to the future!”
Fate is what it is! All I can do is make an effort…and even though I miss Jeff terribly…I cannot change fate…my mission in this new life, whether or not I find meaning to it…is to focus on moving forward, is to focus on staying healthy…staying healthy, so when those mountains stand before me, I will be strong enough to climb them…by myself!
When I think back at my history…it is hard to ignore all the things which have happened to me. From my earliest memories to now, far too many aspects of my life have been uphill climbs. Sure we all have moments in our lives when things fall apart. These areas of our lives are construed as uphill climbs, or when we reminisce these areas may even be referred by us as the ‘worse time of my life.’ For me, it is as though these facets of my life are far too many. I am not talking about the deaths of recent years…I am talking about my life as a whole, and all the things that have occurred throughout my lifetime. Fate as one would call it, has taken its toll on me time and again. This is the very reason I am trying to find meaning in my life…in this life that is so full of pitfalls for me…this life, this new life without the aid of my son in it.
I simply try to only think of the present, taking one day at a time, while attempting to clarify my day to day emotions, my day to day struggles, and my day to day heartache. My hopes is that one day I will be able to live…live without thinking about my past and without thinking about my losses. Will that day ever come for me? Think about it…to have a day free of what ifs, to have a day in which I am not adding up my losses, to have a day free of guilt, to have a day free of feeling alone, to have a day free of worrying about the future, and to have a day free of these unexpected bouts of sorrow ‘coming out of nowhere’ to the surface making me double over in the process. What would that be like? Have I ever had that? It has been so very long since I have been truly happy…I sometimes wonder if I was ever happy in the first place. Is this what life had in stored for me from my beginning of my existence? Is this life of mine, my true fate? Will I always be alone…or will I someday get invited to parties and dinners without being the promoter of these events.
Several years after Steve died I found myself all alone on a holiday weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone, no invites to summer Bar-b-ques, nothing. After this long holiday weekend of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I realized it was always Steve and I who initiated the parties, game nights, dinners at our home for family and our circle of friends. I remember a few months later I invited my family and friends for dinner…a comment made by a dear friend, from time to time still makes an impact on my mind. When I invited her, she said, “It’s about time, I didn’t think you would ever have another party again.” Sometimes I wonder if that is all people want from me…you know…for me to hurry up and get back to living life as it should be lived…or at least the way they think it should be lived by me…you know…as the entertainer.
Life is a struggle for those of us who have lost their only child, or all their children. In my research I have found other parents who have lost children have gone through similar thoughts. We all have thoughts of what ifs, holidays, our future alone, growing old, etc. One parent on Word Press wrote;
“We would never be active parents again, never be grandparents and there would be no immediate family to celebrate holidays, special events or anyone to be our advocate as we age. What do we do with our children’s memorabilia when our child had no siblings? Who will want any of our personal family heirlooms when there are no children? How do we make certain that our estates are managed and distributed properly according to our wishes as we age or die? Who will be there as an advocate for us when one of us is ill and needs assistance? What happens when life events, such as storms, floods, fires, tornados and hurricanes devastate our property and no one comes to our assistance? Will anyone call, send us an email, card, letter or make a visit once in a while to provide some friendship since we have no children or grandchildren? Will we spend each significant birthday, anniversary or holiday alone or must we always be the one to initiate making certain we are not alone? These and many other unique pertinent questions haunt those of us with no surviving children.” (Word Press)How many of these same questions have I asked in these blogs? These worries are very real and are at the foremost of our minds, of my mind. These questions weigh quite heavy on my shoulders every day. In my research I have also found losing an older child can be worse due to all the years of connections between the parent and child. Perhaps that is my problem…Jeff and I were just connected in all ways. I have been told by many the bond we had was rare. I say, “Shouldn’t every parent and child be just as close as Jeff and I were. Shouldn’t every mother-child relationship be as closely bonded as they were while the child was in utero?” When I look back at our relationship I see nothing rare about it…I see a natural bond from the second Jeff was conceived to even now that he is gone. I remember the second Jeff was conceived I knew I was pregnant…way before any doctor confirmed it…Steve and I gave Jeff his name long before he was conceived, and I talked to him all the time…as though he were already born. Jeff was as much a part of my life in my womb, as he was out of my womb. And he is still with me…in spirit maybe…but still here. It is the physical aspect of his absence that I am having trouble accepting. His absence is why I grieve. I do accept Jeff’s death, but that does not stop me from missing his physical existence.
I believe all, or at least most parents grieve their children as I do. I am not the exception to the rule…anyone who has lost a child, regardless of how old that child was when they died, misses their child. I wholeheartedly believe this. There are those who may never admit it, or who are afraid they will be seen as weak if they admit it…but I just do not care what others think anymore. I truly try not to dwell on his absence so that I can move forward…but some days are just harder than others. I am of the belief that all parents must go through this process of unknowns…we bereaved have all had similar thoughts and we have all, in our own way, gone through the five stages of grief.
This is very difficult for me…to allow others to know my fears of the future. It opens me up to ridicule, it leaves me vulnerable to the pity of those around me, and it leaves me wide open for others to take advantage of me. This…has happened to me already. My emotional state has allowed me to be taken advantage by co-workers. Those of you who are grieving…please listen to this:
My co-workers were abusing me at the workforce and I did not know it for a long time. In my grief I had no idea what was taking place. They bullied me, they threatened me time and again with a demotion or with the idea they were going to fire me. I, in my sorrow did not, could not, comprehend what was taking place in the job setting. This went on for over a year…think about this I was grieving my son’s passing and my coworkers knowing I was in a vulnerable state of mind proceeded to bully me, torment me, and harass me over and over. I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could not fight for myself…I honestly did not even know what was taking place for a long time.
Jeff and Steve, the two who always put me on a pedestal because they knew how very strong I was…they knew anything I set out to do, I would do…I know my men were watching me from another plane and they were not proud of me. My guys watched as I was harassed time and again and I did nothing…nothing until one of my co-workers came ever so close to physically assaulting me that I woke up and took action. And now, they will be lucky if they keep their jobs! So be careful…go ahead and grieve…but be cognizant of your surroundings in your sorrow. I learned the hard way, even people you think you can trust will hurt you…if they think they can get away with it.
So in this new life of mine, I have learned a lesson, and I am now fighting back! The co-workers who abused me will not get away with it…I will not allow them to walk away. Oh yes…my men are proud now. I have a long way to go in my bereavement, I have a long way to go in my quest to find meaning in this new life of mine...I have come far, and now there is no looking back. I wish I could find a way to change the things that have happened to me in this life…but how many times have we all been told, “You cannot dwell on the past, look to the future!”
Fate is what it is! All I can do is make an effort…and even though I miss Jeff terribly…I cannot change fate…my mission in this new life, whether or not I find meaning to it…is to focus on moving forward, is to focus on staying healthy…staying healthy, so when those mountains stand before me, I will be strong enough to climb them…by myself!
Word Press https://journeysthrugrief.wordpress.com/2012/03/10/alive-alone-death-of-an-only-childall-children/
