Dark Side of Sanity
Contrary to what one might think when they read this title,
I speak not of insanity, nor of any spiritual dark side. I do, however, believe sanity itself has a
side to which we do not understand. I am
not even sure if I can explain this.
Quite honestly I am not even sure I know of what I speak…but I am going
to give it a shot.
After Jeff passed away I have had a sense of loss that I cannot explain. Yes I have had a huge emotional loss. I now have enormous damage to my sense of who I am. I have had a loss to my attachment of an adult child. I have gargantuan defeat to my well-being. My body, has fallen spiritually and is also now unhealthy due to my inability to wander from my corner. As for my sanity…some days I am not sure about my sanity. Please do not get me wrong…I am not insane, not in any way…yet I still feel there is a side of me that is not fully sane. I now have a side to my thoughts that is unexplainable…even to myself.
I am not speaking of evil thoughts…just thoughts. Thoughts that run through my mind which do not belong, and for that matter do not even make sense. Thoughts that now fill my mind from time to time that I have never before thought about. Perhaps it is due to my own thoughts of suicide…or the contemplation of offing oneself, that these random thoughts occasionally fog my head. I have to wonder if Jeff or Steve had these thoughts prior to dying. They both had plenty of time…knowing in advance they were dying…plenty of time to think about things, things they would be leaving undone…or people they would be leaving behind. These are the thoughts I now have.
I keep wondering what, if anything, they didn’t tell me that they wanted me to know. What were the things Steve forget to tell me. Although there was ample time for us to talk about everything…were there still things he wanted me to know. Were there things left unsaid? With Jeff, since he died abruptly, I know there were things he wanted me to know. Perhaps things about his kids. Things he wanted me to be aware of…or perhaps things he wanted me to do on his behalf. Yes I know taking care of his kids, staying in absolute and complete communication would be first and foremost one of the things he would want. I know Jeff knew we never had to talk about that because he already knew I will always be available for his children. But surely there were things he wanted me to know that we hadn’t gotten around to talking about. Truth is we never talked about the future after he was gone…we talked about all aspects of his life…but not about things after his life. So my thoughts are just that. What would my Jeff want from me now? Other than the kids I know there are other things…things I have no control of…yet I keep thinking I should somehow know these things. Crazy, I know. But I think it is because we never talked about them.
We talked about everything in his life, even about the possibility that someday he would end his own pain, but we never talked about things he would want from me after his death. So now I find myself thinking stupid thoughts…wondering if it is Jeff who is putting thoughts into my head. Is Jeff somehow channeling thoughts into my head? Is he wanting me to do this or that on his behalf? Should I look into some of these thoughts a little deeper? Am I crazy for thinking such thoughts? Or am I afraid of what I may find if I dig deeper? His death for instance…or his Deep Brain surgery. Jeff himself was looking into that Deep Brain surgery before he died. Are my thoughts that of a bereaved mother or that of a crazy person? I don’t want to go to deep into these thoughts on this writing…I guess I am afraid…you know, if I say it aloud, then I have to do something about it. This is my dark side of sanity…my thoughts, which sometimes make me insane, or at least make me close to becoming unhinged. Or could it be I am already a little cracked?
Does this even make sense to any of you readers? If ever I needed a response, or if any of you ever wanted to respond to any of my blogs, now would be the time. I think I need to know I am not insane with these crazy thoughts. Or, what the hell, maybe I am insane. I guess we are all a little crazy, to some extent anyway. Maybe my crazy thoughts have always been there and I am just now noticing them. In any event I find myself trying to analyze them all the time.
I also find myself thinking of my own demise. Do I have anything in place should I perish? Will Tina know what to do? I have a folder started with pictures I want to go into a CD if I croak. Isn’t that stupid? To think of something so very selfish and stupid, and I have already told Tina where to put my remains. The funny part of this is…no one knows I have an electronic folder with the pictures I want in it. Think about it! Who is going to think, “Let’s take a look at her computer, she may have things in it that we will need for the funeral.” And even if someone did think of looking at the computer…how would they even know the password? So here is another thing; on my phone I have ‘end of life’ directions in the event I am injured during a car crash, but I have never talked about my ‘end of life’ desires to Tina. I guess I don’t think she needs to know these things right now…isn’t that just crazy? Isn’t this the time to talk about this? Shouldn’t we be talking about death right now since death itself is still in the foremost of all our minds? When better to talk about something if not now? I’ve been going through my closets. I’ve been getting rid of things that are of no use to me. I have been getting rid of things so Tina will not have to do this when I am gone. Almost as though I am going to die at any moment…for all I know God will probably make me stay here for another 50 years! He does after all have a way of enjoying seeing me suffer. It wouldn’t surprise me if he made me stay here so he can watch me suffer when everyone else I love dies.
These thoughts, these crazy dark thoughts fill my mind. Over and over throughout the day I think of something else that I should do to make things easier for those I leave behind, should I die. I know there are things Steve forgot to tell me…to show me. I also know Jeff would have wanted me to do things for him, for his kids. Yet we, Jeff and I, never talked about those things. Perhaps he thought it would be too hard for me to talk about…who knows for sure…but I do believe he thought about things he would have wanted me to do on his behalf. Now I can only guess what those things may have been. These thoughts that are now consuming me are crazy, and perhaps even morbid I know, yet, are they more rational than insane? Can it be that these thoughts are even more practical? I guess that would depend on each individual person. Some may see it as crazy, while others see it as practical.
Right now I think my constant thoughts of death are dark, and perhaps somewhat insane! I have to wonder if other people think about death as I now do, and if they do…would they admit it aloud. Are they cleaning out their closets? Are they preparing for their own deaths? Am I crazy to have these preoccupied thoughts of death or of preparing for death? Are these dark thoughts part of sanity, or are these thoughts, thoughts which only insane people have? One would think these thoughts would be normal for that population of people who have already been diagnosed as terminal, or are ready to end their own life. And then there are the senior population who know death is not only inevitable, but coming in the near future for them, and thereby prepare in advance for their departure from this world. But it is sane for someone like myself, who is neither ill or really old, to explore these thoughts over and over. Is it sane to think about things that need to be done to ensure everything is in place 'just in case' I should perish. Not because I have a deadly disease, not because I am on my last legs, not because I am planning to off myself...but just in case I should die. I think I can honestly say these crazy thoughts that preoccupy my mind are at times 'scaring the crap' out of me.
After Jeff passed away I have had a sense of loss that I cannot explain. Yes I have had a huge emotional loss. I now have enormous damage to my sense of who I am. I have had a loss to my attachment of an adult child. I have gargantuan defeat to my well-being. My body, has fallen spiritually and is also now unhealthy due to my inability to wander from my corner. As for my sanity…some days I am not sure about my sanity. Please do not get me wrong…I am not insane, not in any way…yet I still feel there is a side of me that is not fully sane. I now have a side to my thoughts that is unexplainable…even to myself.
I am not speaking of evil thoughts…just thoughts. Thoughts that run through my mind which do not belong, and for that matter do not even make sense. Thoughts that now fill my mind from time to time that I have never before thought about. Perhaps it is due to my own thoughts of suicide…or the contemplation of offing oneself, that these random thoughts occasionally fog my head. I have to wonder if Jeff or Steve had these thoughts prior to dying. They both had plenty of time…knowing in advance they were dying…plenty of time to think about things, things they would be leaving undone…or people they would be leaving behind. These are the thoughts I now have.
I keep wondering what, if anything, they didn’t tell me that they wanted me to know. What were the things Steve forget to tell me. Although there was ample time for us to talk about everything…were there still things he wanted me to know. Were there things left unsaid? With Jeff, since he died abruptly, I know there were things he wanted me to know. Perhaps things about his kids. Things he wanted me to be aware of…or perhaps things he wanted me to do on his behalf. Yes I know taking care of his kids, staying in absolute and complete communication would be first and foremost one of the things he would want. I know Jeff knew we never had to talk about that because he already knew I will always be available for his children. But surely there were things he wanted me to know that we hadn’t gotten around to talking about. Truth is we never talked about the future after he was gone…we talked about all aspects of his life…but not about things after his life. So my thoughts are just that. What would my Jeff want from me now? Other than the kids I know there are other things…things I have no control of…yet I keep thinking I should somehow know these things. Crazy, I know. But I think it is because we never talked about them.
We talked about everything in his life, even about the possibility that someday he would end his own pain, but we never talked about things he would want from me after his death. So now I find myself thinking stupid thoughts…wondering if it is Jeff who is putting thoughts into my head. Is Jeff somehow channeling thoughts into my head? Is he wanting me to do this or that on his behalf? Should I look into some of these thoughts a little deeper? Am I crazy for thinking such thoughts? Or am I afraid of what I may find if I dig deeper? His death for instance…or his Deep Brain surgery. Jeff himself was looking into that Deep Brain surgery before he died. Are my thoughts that of a bereaved mother or that of a crazy person? I don’t want to go to deep into these thoughts on this writing…I guess I am afraid…you know, if I say it aloud, then I have to do something about it. This is my dark side of sanity…my thoughts, which sometimes make me insane, or at least make me close to becoming unhinged. Or could it be I am already a little cracked?
Does this even make sense to any of you readers? If ever I needed a response, or if any of you ever wanted to respond to any of my blogs, now would be the time. I think I need to know I am not insane with these crazy thoughts. Or, what the hell, maybe I am insane. I guess we are all a little crazy, to some extent anyway. Maybe my crazy thoughts have always been there and I am just now noticing them. In any event I find myself trying to analyze them all the time.
I also find myself thinking of my own demise. Do I have anything in place should I perish? Will Tina know what to do? I have a folder started with pictures I want to go into a CD if I croak. Isn’t that stupid? To think of something so very selfish and stupid, and I have already told Tina where to put my remains. The funny part of this is…no one knows I have an electronic folder with the pictures I want in it. Think about it! Who is going to think, “Let’s take a look at her computer, she may have things in it that we will need for the funeral.” And even if someone did think of looking at the computer…how would they even know the password? So here is another thing; on my phone I have ‘end of life’ directions in the event I am injured during a car crash, but I have never talked about my ‘end of life’ desires to Tina. I guess I don’t think she needs to know these things right now…isn’t that just crazy? Isn’t this the time to talk about this? Shouldn’t we be talking about death right now since death itself is still in the foremost of all our minds? When better to talk about something if not now? I’ve been going through my closets. I’ve been getting rid of things that are of no use to me. I have been getting rid of things so Tina will not have to do this when I am gone. Almost as though I am going to die at any moment…for all I know God will probably make me stay here for another 50 years! He does after all have a way of enjoying seeing me suffer. It wouldn’t surprise me if he made me stay here so he can watch me suffer when everyone else I love dies.
These thoughts, these crazy dark thoughts fill my mind. Over and over throughout the day I think of something else that I should do to make things easier for those I leave behind, should I die. I know there are things Steve forgot to tell me…to show me. I also know Jeff would have wanted me to do things for him, for his kids. Yet we, Jeff and I, never talked about those things. Perhaps he thought it would be too hard for me to talk about…who knows for sure…but I do believe he thought about things he would have wanted me to do on his behalf. Now I can only guess what those things may have been. These thoughts that are now consuming me are crazy, and perhaps even morbid I know, yet, are they more rational than insane? Can it be that these thoughts are even more practical? I guess that would depend on each individual person. Some may see it as crazy, while others see it as practical.
Right now I think my constant thoughts of death are dark, and perhaps somewhat insane! I have to wonder if other people think about death as I now do, and if they do…would they admit it aloud. Are they cleaning out their closets? Are they preparing for their own deaths? Am I crazy to have these preoccupied thoughts of death or of preparing for death? Are these dark thoughts part of sanity, or are these thoughts, thoughts which only insane people have? One would think these thoughts would be normal for that population of people who have already been diagnosed as terminal, or are ready to end their own life. And then there are the senior population who know death is not only inevitable, but coming in the near future for them, and thereby prepare in advance for their departure from this world. But it is sane for someone like myself, who is neither ill or really old, to explore these thoughts over and over. Is it sane to think about things that need to be done to ensure everything is in place 'just in case' I should perish. Not because I have a deadly disease, not because I am on my last legs, not because I am planning to off myself...but just in case I should die. I think I can honestly say these crazy thoughts that preoccupy my mind are at times 'scaring the crap' out of me.
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