My Blogs Today

My Blogs Today

Isn’t it something…as I have been doing my research for my book, ‘the book’ I am presently writing about ‘grieving those you lost.’ I have gone back to read the first blogs Olgie wrote.  As I read the first blogs which were posted on this site years ago…I can clearly feel the emotions of the woman who wrote these blogs.  I cannot help but feel the heartache the author was desperately trying to convey to her audience, and I see all the grammatical errors written by Olgie in her state of absolute desolation.  Oh yes...I feel her emotions as I read her blogs…the blogs written by her in her moments of complete sorrow.  As I read, and continued to re-read these blogs I cry, tears flow down my cheeks uncontrollably.  As my eyes sweep across each word, I am made to feel as though I am walking in her shoes…going through the same grief she was experiencing at the moment the blogs were written.  Anyone who has taken the time to read these blogs, hard as they are to read…can visualize the emotions the author of this blog was, and still is trying desperately to get across to her audience.   In looking back at myself, as the original and only writer of these blogs…I now see how very far I have come in my grief.  I have come to a place in my life where I know I will not die of this broken heart…I know my relationship with all those people who stayed away in my sorrow will never again be as it once was…I know I will forever see those who grieve, in a different light…I know I will not commit suicide due to the depths of this sorrow…I know I must put one foot in front of the other and do all that I can to keep moving forward...and I now know…I will for the rest of my life, grieve the loss of my son.

Yesterday at work…a song came on my music station…(the song ‘Hurt’ by Johnny Cash, was my go to song in the early years of my grief)...the second this song came on the station, and as though on queue, tears began to flow down my face irrepressibly.  There was nothing I could do to stop them, nothing.  I was sitting in front of my computer with tears flowing down my face like a small stream.  This is the face and actions of true grief.  This really is what grief looks like, functions like, and feels like.  Absolutely irrepressible!

I was talking to a colleague at work not long ago.  In our conversation he said to me, “Tomorrow is Veterans Day.  I will be taking off tomorrow as it also happens to be the day I lost my father.”

I let him talk…he continued, “My father died 11 years ago, and still...some days it feels like I just lost him.  In all these years, the thing I miss most about my father are his answers to all my questions.  He was my ‘go to’ person whenever I needed someone to talk to, my father was the person I went to.  I miss him as much today, as I did the day he died.“  

I could see the tears welling up in my colleague’s face as he talked, tears welling up on the face of a 60 year old man.  I could clearly see his pain, and I understood his grief.

“You know Olgie, I really miss my father.”  He said as he walked away.

He was right…I have found in my own grief, everything he said, every word...was the same thing I have discovered in my own sorrow.  We don’t really think about death…most people don’t talk aloud about it.  I think people have a sense of fear when it comes to death or knowing someone who is dying.  It is almost like they are afraid if they get too close it will happen to them.  My colleague was correct in his description of missing his father.  This is also the conclusion I have come to after losing Steve, after losing Jeff…one does not merely ‘get over it’ as so many people have been wanting me to do.  And one cannot just get better ‘if they really want to’ as I have been told by a friend. 

"If you really want to be happy Olgie, you can be happy...you just have to think positive," she said. "Any therapist will tell you the same thing.  There are plenty of books written about it.  If you think positive and want to be happy, you can be happy.”    

Unbelievable…I just really hope this person never takes a step in my shoes…she would not be able to walk this same path…no…she would no doubt, fall on her face, and as much as she will try to follow the advice of all the therapeutic books on grief...she will not be able to.  I only hope she will not remember her own words whilst walking in those imaginary shoes.  When you lose someone you love, the average person will never…I will never...‘get over it,’ as she says.

This is the conclusion I have found…after grieving all these years, one does not stop grieving.  This grief lives within you each and every day.  I have learned to keep moving.  I continue to take one step at a time, each and every day…but I will never stop missing my son.  My heart continues to ache…but I have learned to live in spite of the pain.  My book, the book I am currently writing will focus on my own grief, and on all these things I have learned during my bereavement.  My hopes is that this book I am writing will be helpful to someone down the road.  My hope is that all these blogs that have been written by me…in my '‘moment to moment’ grief, will be helpful in some way, to everyone who reads it.  And if these blogs only helped one person in this vast world...it has been worth the energy it has taken to write.

The New Olgie

The New Olgie

Isn’t it something, just when I thought I had been through it all, just when I thought I finally had this grief thing all figured out…

I was at my friend’s house this past weekend to pick up a chair I bought from her. In the process of giving me the chair I bought, she also had a whole bunch of other things she had ready to give me.  She just moved into a new home, so was cleaning out her belongings and just knew I would be thrilled to receive these wonderful things she had set aside for me. Truth is, there was a time when I absolutely would have been all over the gifts she saved for me.  

“I just knew you would love these, because I know how much you love to entertain, and you decorate your table so beautifully when you cook for everyone,” she said.  She was so very happy and excited as she was showing me the beautiful platters, pictures, and decorations for my walls.  The whole while she was showing me these wonderful gifts, she was talking about times past when I entertained and cooked for many or our mutual families and friends.  All the while she was reminiscing about all the parties I once gave.  She was talking a mile a minute about all the wonderful times she had at my home over the past 30 plus years...all the parties, holidays, bar-b-ques, etc.

I found myself looking at her in disbelief and I managed to pulled myself away and walked away before the tears fell from my tear-soaked eyes.  In an instant I realized, my beautiful friend…like everyone else in our circle of family and friends…my dear friend was expecting me to continue to be the Olgie she had known for many years.  The Olgie who loved to entertain, and did all the work herself.  The Olgie who loved to put on a presentation for the meals she cooked, because after all, presentation is everything.  The Olgie who wrote a special cookbook and then only gave this book to family and special friends.  The Olgie, who's house everyone came to for all holidays and special events. 

All along in these many blogs I have written about how I knew I would never be the same person I was prior to all the deaths. All along throughout my blogs I talked about changing, and have been changing…not deliberately, but nonetheless still changing, and knowing I would never again be the same person.  Since day one in these blogs I just knew everyone around me could see me, the new me…and realize how much I had changed.  It has never been talked about aloud in my presence…but I could feel the stares of family and friends in these last years.  It was pretty obvious when I entered a room and my family and friends stopped talking…one could see in their eyes the conversation was most likely about Olgie.  And my home…which was once immaculate on any given day…is now a wreck, at best, and seldom tidy.  The repairs which needed done in my home were taken care of right away…and now nothing is getting fixed.  The downstairs bathroom does not flush…so I keep the door closed.  The deck is literally falling apart, and I merely walk lightly and around the areas I know are weak.  My kitchen faucet has been leaking and making noises for the last couple years, a quarter inch of dust sits on every flat surface in my home…and my yard…my yard which I once worked endlessly on, my yard which I have always been so very proud of...is now filled with every type of weed imaginable.  Instead of vacuuming, dusting, and mopping every single day as I once did, I now do this maybe once a month.  Instead of doing the things I once did on a daily basis...I sit in my corner.  How has anyone not noticed?   

Oh yes, through no fault of my own, I have most definitely changed…and yet on this day…my beautiful little friend is expecting I will one day just fall back into the Olgie she once knew.  I could not stop the tears from excaping my eyes, and I cried knowing she does not know my pain.  My hope is...she will never know my pain…

“Honey, I will never be that Olgie again, don’t you know that?” I said as lightly as I could. “I don’t think you understand.”

“Oh, maybe not today…but you will be one day.  Take these beautiful things home, put them on your walls, and they will make you feel good. You’ll see.  My BFF, sometimes I worry about you,” She responded.

As close as I am to this beautiful person, she still does not understand my pain.  How then, can I expect anyone else to fully accept or at the very least, acknowledge this horrific loss…this unimaginable pain which I grieve?  How will I ever be able to get back the ‘old Olgie?’  Here is the thing...even if I could miraculously force myself to do all the things I once enjoyed…I would eventually revert to this new me.  No one, not even I, can force a happy face.  Oh don’t get me wrong…I wear a mask all day long…but it is just that, a mask to protect those around me.  No one wants to be around one who grieves…no one…not even me.

I have thought about my situation, my predicament for months now…I am not sure how I will get that happiness back.  That natural happiness, the kind you wake up to, and the kind of happiness that makes people whistle, or hum to a tune…how do I get that back?  Hell, more than half the friends…and family…I once had are now gone.  People leave, that is what they do, they seek happiness elsewhere if they cannot find it in familiar surroundings.  And that is exactly what has happened to me.  I lost all my friends, and the majority of my family due to my own loss.  This is the secondary loss which I blogged about many months ago.  That loss is never again regained.  It is gone…just like my son is gone. 

I have thought of little else in the last couple of years.  I have thought long and hard about this new Olgie that has emerged from all this grief.  Can she be changed?  Oh but I have tried to change myself back to the old Olgie everyone once knew...I really have tried.  Truth is, one cannot wish to be happy.  Happiness is a thing which comes naturally.  It cannot be force upon anyone.  I cannot force myself to be happy...how can I be happy...I am in 'Hell!'  This is truely what Hell is like.  Living life as it comes.  There are days where I am having a good time...and then something triggers my memories...and bang...tears will flow.  This is true grief...this is what the loss of a child feels like...this is the life of this new Olgie.  This is my life without my son.

Ready For My Final Chapter

Ready For My Final Chapter

As I read back to the beginning of my blogs I realize there is so much more I would like to add, far more than a simple day-to-day blog could possibly say.  When I first started blogging, my intention was to get enough blogs down to perhaps help others in my same situation.  During my immediate loss, I was so overcome with emotions of heartache, all I wanted was to help all other parents who were in the same emotional state as I, and I also wanted to educate those around me who did not know what to say or how to act.  By writing about my own ‘in the moment’ sorrow, my hopes were to allow those who read my blogs to learn from my grief...from my voice...on how to better help people within their own circle through whatever grief they are going through.  I do not know if I have in any way helped anyone, nor do I think I have accomplished these goals I set out to do when I started blogging.  What I have found…what I did not know…was I in turn would be helping myself by blogging about my grief.  My, ‘in the moment,’ blogs have become therapy for me.  My writings about my innermost feelings and emotions became a way for me to explain to others exactly how I was feeling in the moment of real time grief.  What I have found out while blogging is depending on my day-to-day emotions…this progression in mourning has no consistency.  Every time I thought I was over the loss of my son I have been struck by overwhelming emotions of sorrow time and again.  As I reflect on these blogs, I come to realize I have been unhappy for a very long time.

Looking back to a time I was happy…would mean looking back, way back to a time prior to everyone dying.  I took a selfie recently and posted it on a social site.  There were many comments about how beautiful my eyes were.  As I stared into the eyes of the woman in the picture…all I saw was sorrow in those same eyes.  The eyes in the same picture below are not happy eyes…these eyes, that others think are beautiful, have seen too much sorrow.  The tears which have fallen from these eyes over the last years have been far too many to count, but could probably fill bucket after bucket.  How many times over the years have these same eyes been left so sore and swollen from falling tears?  How many of you would say these are happy eyes…if even one of you can say yes to this question, it tells me you do not know the kind of grief these eyes have seen.

In recent months I have been trying to sort out my mind…well perhaps longer than recent months.  I do little else but think of my past…of my loss…and I think about what the future has in store for this new life I have been forced to live without my son.  I try to imagine my life, the remainder of my life without my son in it.  It is impossible to imagine he will never again be here with me.  I am living every day without Jeff, and still when I sit and think of his absence, I cannot imagine nor understand Jeff not being here in the next hour, let alone all the tomorrows down the road.  My thoughts are just crazy because my son has been gone over three years…yet I still…cannot envision the rest of my life without Jeff in it.  I was accustomed to talking to Jeff on the phone all hours of day and night… and to this day…I still carry my phone everywhere I go hoping it will ring, which is really foolish.  Knowing he will never be here, knowing he will never talk to me again…deep down…I still hope.  How crazy are these thoughts?  

Jeff died the morning of March 11, 2013…and still to this very day, there are days I do not think I will survive to that day's end...and yet I am here, wondering how I will survive the reminder of my life without him.  I do not stop to think I have already been surviving without him…I only think of my future days without him in my life.  Oh yes, so many days I find myself overwhelmed with so much sorrow, so much so, it is as though he had just that moment perished, albeit those days are getting further and further apart.  And still this emotional pain can at times make me double over with incomparable grief, and will still leave me with a feeling of absolute loneliness.  There are just no words in this vast English language to express the emptiness in my life since Jeff has been gone.  Don’t get me wrong, I have many people who love me…but truth is I can be surrounded by all the people in the world that love me…and still...I feel alone without Jeff.  There have been many times since Jeff died where my house is filled with people, filled with laughter…yet I still have to step away to the solitude of my bedroom, if only for a few moments…for no other reason than to collect my emotions before returning to the events of the moment.  Oh my, the sorrow these eyes have seen…

I wait…I continue to wait for everything to get better.  When Jeff first departed, everyone around me kept telling me ‘things will get better with time.’  Well, quite frankly…I am still waiting for that ‘time’ when I no longer mourn.  Truth is…I now know that ‘time’ will never come.  I will always mourn Jeff.  He was my only child…he was a cohesive part of my life…and although I go through my regular everyday routines in this new life…he will always be missed.  My heart will always feel a sense of emptiness with Jeff gone.  How can I possibly feel otherwise…Jeff was the mainstay in my life!  Although I have survived without Jeff thus far…living life, breathing, eating, functioning, interacting with others…I still feel lost without him  in my life.  I now know I will never stop missing Jeff.  The love this mother has for her child is just that…love, and I now know even though Jeff is gone this love will not diminish.  This is the reason my own mother still mourns her children.  I now know why all those coordinators of ‘The Compassionate Friends’ group, (which I blogged about a few years back), cried when they spoke of their children who had perished years ago.  I now understand the true meaning of parental love, and the very depths of this unselfish, endless love. 

I have learned firsthand, when one dies, those that mourn need understanding from others…they need to be surrounded by friends and family so they can be reminded they are not alone in their grief.  The companionship and empathy they get from others during their immediate grief will keep the progression of the mourning process moving forward for the bereaved.  In my case I was abandoned by my family and friends…I was left alone to grieve…I wanted to die.  I have come to understand the reason I felt so alone, one reason I stood still in my grief, was due to the lack of contact from family and friends.  I am not angry, and I don’t blame them…they all stood by my side when I lost Steve, I can only assume one more death was just too much for them.  It really does take a lot out of a person when they are trying wholeheartedly to help another emotionally.  This process takes a toll on them.  No I am not angry, not anymore.   Thank goodness for Jeff’s presence through the immediate months after his death.  I do wholeheartedly believe Jeff has been helping me through my grief via another plane, and he is the very reason I can still stand tall.  No one will ever convince me there is no life after death…I have experience far too many ‘out of this world’ crazy things to not believe, and I do believe both Steve and Jeff stayed behind to help me grieve.  The love I had for Jeff while he was alive will never go away…and the longer he is gone from my sight…the more I love him.  Jeff truly was my life, he was my heart, my dearest heart. 

In recent months I have thought long and hard about my future, my future without my son.  I am alone in this vast world, I know that now.  Yes, I have family, yes, I have friends…but still it is up to me alone, to continue my trek in this world.  I now know I must keep moving forward to fulfill my destiny.  Jeff and I used to talk about it, ‘my intention,' my destiny.  He supported my love for writing, and wanted me to write books…children’s books. 

When the kids were little I made up bedtime stories for them.  They loved all the stories I told them over and over throughout their growing up years, and then when they started having their own children I put those same stories in book form for their children, complete with my illustrations.  Jeff loved the books, and wanted to see them in print.  He tried endlessly to get me to send them to publishers.  Perhaps one day I will do this very thing…but for now...I realize my voice is needed elsewhere.  My voice, this voice as a story teller, is needed to help other parents who have lost children.  I do not know if I will continue blogging, or if this blog will be my last blog…what I do know is my direction, my future, is in writing…not children’s books, but my real life experience in losing my only child.  People need to know they are not alone in their grief.  By writing my story, people will know the things they experience in grief, in heartbreak, has been felt by millions of parents.  And they need to know it is up to each individual parent to find their own way to survive.  By turning these blogs into book form I am convinced it will help other parents, even if I only help a few it will still be worth my efforts.  So for now my concentration will turn toward writing that book that Jeff wanted me to author…the content may not be what he wanted to see…but he would still approve.  There is just too much heartbreak out there from bereaved parents, and not enough firsthand experiences in this area for them to read about.

People need to know they are not alone.  I want people to learn from my own experience in this moment to moment process of bereavement.  They need to know it is 'ok' to sob in the shower before work.  They need to know it is healthy to talk about their loss, in fact it is therapeutic for them.  Parents need to know their grief on losing their child is unique only to them.  The relationship they had with their children, with each child, is unique to each parent.  People don’t talk about these things…we need to talk about these things.  When someone dies, family and friends immediately show up to help, to comfort, to give the griever a hand to hold...for a short while anyway…and then they expect the griever to just stop grieving and get on with their life.   Family and friends need to know they will always be needed by the bereaved.

These are the things I will write about…these are but a few things I will explore in my book.  My faith, or lack thereof…perhaps I will explore this as well.  It may take me a year…hell, it may take several years…what Jeff knew about his mother, and the one thing he loved most about me...is when I set out to do something…it gets done.