On The Third Anniversary of Jeff's Death

On The Third Anniversary of Jeff’s Death

When I think back to the day Jeff was born, and all the years between to the time he died…my heart becomes overwhelmed with the realization that he will never again be here in the flesh with me.  I have been told time and again, “You will always have his memories.”  Really??  Should I be happy about having memories?   First of all, memories are meant to be shared…and as I have written in the past, people do not want to hear about the person for whom we mourn.  Yes we have memories but who will listen while I talk about my memories with Jeff.   In the three years Jeff has been gone from my life…TWO…there have been two people who have actually asked, “Olgie, tell me about Jeff, I would like to hear more about him.  What was he like?  How did he die?”  Jeff died three years ago today, and only two people have actually asked about him.  And when I am around family or friends and start to talk about Jeff, the conversation miraculously changes at the drop of a hat. 

  

I have come to the conclusion people just do not want to dredge up these types of memories…perhaps they feel they are protecting me, saving me from memories which they feel may make me cry.  Or perhaps they are saving themselves from the same painful memories they also shared in.  What they don’t understand, even after all this time which has past…what they don’t understand is we need to talk about our loved ones.  I need to talk about my son.  We need to talk about the memories, we need to share those memories with others…if only they will listen.  we have so many memories…I have so many memories.  Some of which can be so very heartbreaking and many which will make me laugh out loud.  There are just far too many memories to talk about or even write about, maybe because when a memory pops into your mind, into my mind, I get lost in all the little details attached to that remembrance.  Details, like the weather, smells associated with the memory, other person involved in that very memory I am thinking about.  So, should I be happy I have all these memories, all of which make others feel uncomfortable?  Memories which people just do not want to remember or hear.
 
The one thing I have learned from all this…from these years since Jeff has been gone…is this pain, this ongoing pain, does not in any way cease.  I have come to accept the pain in my heart will always be with me.  It does not matter whether or not I am alone or in a room full of people…this constant heartache is always with me…is always tugging at my heartstrings.  I am learning to live in spite of this pain.  There have been many times I thought I was done grieving…but I am finding a reality that this ‘period of my life’ will not terminate any time soon.  This mourning, this moment in time…I now recognize, is lifelong.  I finally get it.  For a long time I just did not understand why my pain was not ceasing or becoming less over time.  Well…I finally have a grasp on this mourning thing…and I am trying to push forward in spite of it.  I now know there will always be days where I find my butt glued to my corner, hugging myself, and rocking to and forth in an effort to console my overwhelming grief.  I now know this grieving process will never go away.  Oh, I will eventually learn to find a way to ‘step past’ it…but my sorrow will always be with me.  Just as my love for Jeff is always with me…

Some time back I came across this poem I had written to Jeff.  I remember when I wrote it…again memories…Jeff was very ill.  He had not yet been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and we weren’t sure why he was always falling down.  He fell off ladders, flights of stairs…or sometimes he would just be walking and fall down, ultimately he was injuring his body with all the falls…his knees, his shoulders, his ankles, his back, and his head.  He was a mess.  We thought the falls were due to pinched nerves due to bad disc in his back…little did we know the true reason.  It was because of all his falls, and his injuries, along with the many medical diagnosis’ he already was inflicted with…I remember wanting Jeff to know I was there with him, even though we were miles apart.  I wanted Jeff to know he was loved.  I wanted him to know he was never alone in his pain, in his struggles.  I wanted Jeff to know he was always on my mind.  Earlier this very week when I read this poem, Jeff’s poem, I felt the need to add to it…to finish it by now acknowledging Jeff’s absence.  So even though the majority of this poem to Jeff was written for him years ago…I have added to it…to finish it with my new emotions.

   

Jeff’s Poem

When the morning sun,

Shines in my face…

I think of you!

When I feel the warmth,

Of a soft summer breeze…

I think of you!

When the sun shines red,

On the horizon’s edge…

I think of you!

On a dark clear night,

And the stars shine bright…

I think of you!

A beautiful child with deep blue eyes,

I see her face…

I think of you!

I stretch my arms to hold you tight,

My arms are empty, you’re nowhere in sight…

I think of you!

My beautiful child so far away,

My love for you will never be swayed…

I think of you!

Light of my life my handsome son,

I grieve because you are gone…

I think of you!

Will anyone truly know,

The reason these tears flow…

I think of you!

You fly high like a dove,

My dearest love…

In remembrance of you!

~Mom

 

I remember when Jeff read this poem he called me up and said, “Oh really.”  I knew he felt the love in these words.  I know he knew he was loved throughout his life.  I knew he was smiling on the other end of the phone.  Thinking back on that day I know he felt loved, and I know my poem made him happy.   

Now I trudge forward in this grief…I push through the lows of my life as best I can.  There are many times the roads before me seem so very long, so very dark…and there are many days still, where I feel I am crawling…but still, I am  trying to move forward in this path of my life.  I know deep down Jeff would want me to keep moving, as would Steve.  But there is nothing I wouldn’t give to have Jeff back with me, to have my life back as it was.  If only I could…

Three years, Jeff has been gone three long years.  “I love you Mom” were the last words Jeff said to me.  Isn’t it ironic?  My son who was never afraid, who was never ashamed, to show his affection toward his parents…his very last last words to his mother were “I love you Mom.”  I saved all his letters to me.  My favorites are the hand written notes he wrote me.  No they were not written on nice paper, nor in the fanciest penmanship…on the contrary, they were written in his scribble and straggly manner by his own hand.  I cherish all his texts messages and I still have these hung on my walls.  And I do have all the memories…if only someone would listen…