The New Olgie
Isn’t it something, just when I thought I had been through
it all, just when I thought I finally had this grief thing all figured out…
I was at my friend’s house this past weekend to pick up a chair I bought from her. In the process of giving me the chair I bought, she also had a whole bunch of other things she had ready to give me. She just moved into a new home, so was cleaning out her belongings and just knew I would be thrilled to receive these wonderful things she had set aside for me. Truth is, there was a time when I absolutely would have been all over the gifts she saved for me.
“I just knew you would love these, because I know how much you love to entertain, and you decorate your table so beautifully when you cook for everyone,” she said. She was so very happy and excited as she was showing me the beautiful platters, pictures, and decorations for my walls. The whole while she was showing me these wonderful gifts, she was talking about times past when I entertained and cooked for many or our mutual families and friends. All the while she was reminiscing about all the parties I once gave. She was talking a mile a minute about all the wonderful times she had at my home over the past 30 plus years...all the parties, holidays, bar-b-ques, etc.
I found myself looking at her in disbelief and I managed to pulled myself away and walked away before the tears fell from my tear-soaked eyes. In an instant I realized, my beautiful friend…like everyone else in our circle of family and friends…my dear friend was expecting me to continue to be the Olgie she had known for many years. The Olgie who loved to entertain, and did all the work herself. The Olgie who loved to put on a presentation for the meals she cooked, because after all, presentation is everything. The Olgie who wrote a special cookbook and then only gave this book to family and special friends. The Olgie, who's house everyone came to for all holidays and special events.
All along in these many blogs I have written about how I knew I would never be the same person I was prior to all the deaths. All along throughout my blogs I talked about changing, and have been changing…not deliberately, but nonetheless still changing, and knowing I would never again be the same person. Since day one in these blogs I just knew everyone around me could see me, the new me…and realize how much I had changed. It has never been talked about aloud in my presence…but I could feel the stares of family and friends in these last years. It was pretty obvious when I entered a room and my family and friends stopped talking…one could see in their eyes the conversation was most likely about Olgie. And my home…which was once immaculate on any given day…is now a wreck, at best, and seldom tidy. The repairs which needed done in my home were taken care of right away…and now nothing is getting fixed. The downstairs bathroom does not flush…so I keep the door closed. The deck is literally falling apart, and I merely walk lightly and around the areas I know are weak. My kitchen faucet has been leaking and making noises for the last couple years, a quarter inch of dust sits on every flat surface in my home…and my yard…my yard which I once worked endlessly on, my yard which I have always been so very proud of...is now filled with every type of weed imaginable. Instead of vacuuming, dusting, and mopping every single day as I once did, I now do this maybe once a month. Instead of doing the things I once did on a daily basis...I sit in my corner. How has anyone not noticed?
Oh yes, through no fault of my own, I have most definitely changed…and yet on this day…my beautiful little friend is expecting I will one day just fall back into the Olgie she once knew. I could not stop the tears from excaping my eyes, and I cried knowing she does not know my pain. My hope is...she will never know my pain…
“Honey, I will never be that Olgie again, don’t you know that?” I said as lightly as I could. “I don’t think you understand.”
“Oh, maybe not today…but you will be one day. Take these beautiful things home, put them on your walls, and they will make you feel good. You’ll see. My BFF, sometimes I worry about you,” She responded.
As close as I am to this beautiful person, she still does not understand my pain. How then, can I expect anyone else to fully accept or at the very least, acknowledge this horrific loss…this unimaginable pain which I grieve? How will I ever be able to get back the ‘old Olgie?’ Here is the thing...even if I could miraculously force myself to do all the things I once enjoyed…I would eventually revert to this new me. No one, not even I, can force a happy face. Oh don’t get me wrong…I wear a mask all day long…but it is just that, a mask to protect those around me. No one wants to be around one who grieves…no one…not even me.
I have thought about my situation, my predicament for months now…I am not sure how I will get that happiness back. That natural happiness, the kind you wake up to, and the kind of happiness that makes people whistle, or hum to a tune…how do I get that back? Hell, more than half the friends…and family…I once had are now gone. People leave, that is what they do, they seek happiness elsewhere if they cannot find it in familiar surroundings. And that is exactly what has happened to me. I lost all my friends, and the majority of my family due to my own loss. This is the secondary loss which I blogged about many months ago. That loss is never again regained. It is gone…just like my son is gone.
I have thought of little else in the last couple of years. I have thought long and hard about this new Olgie that has emerged from all this grief. Can she be changed? Oh but I have tried to change myself back to the old Olgie everyone once knew...I really have tried. Truth is, one cannot wish to be happy. Happiness is a thing which comes naturally. It cannot be force upon anyone. I cannot force myself to be happy...how can I be happy...I am in 'Hell!' This is truely what Hell is like. Living life as it comes. There are days where I am having a good time...and then something triggers my memories...and bang...tears will flow. This is true grief...this is what the loss of a child feels like...this is the life of this new Olgie. This is my life without my son.
I was at my friend’s house this past weekend to pick up a chair I bought from her. In the process of giving me the chair I bought, she also had a whole bunch of other things she had ready to give me. She just moved into a new home, so was cleaning out her belongings and just knew I would be thrilled to receive these wonderful things she had set aside for me. Truth is, there was a time when I absolutely would have been all over the gifts she saved for me.
“I just knew you would love these, because I know how much you love to entertain, and you decorate your table so beautifully when you cook for everyone,” she said. She was so very happy and excited as she was showing me the beautiful platters, pictures, and decorations for my walls. The whole while she was showing me these wonderful gifts, she was talking about times past when I entertained and cooked for many or our mutual families and friends. All the while she was reminiscing about all the parties I once gave. She was talking a mile a minute about all the wonderful times she had at my home over the past 30 plus years...all the parties, holidays, bar-b-ques, etc.
I found myself looking at her in disbelief and I managed to pulled myself away and walked away before the tears fell from my tear-soaked eyes. In an instant I realized, my beautiful friend…like everyone else in our circle of family and friends…my dear friend was expecting me to continue to be the Olgie she had known for many years. The Olgie who loved to entertain, and did all the work herself. The Olgie who loved to put on a presentation for the meals she cooked, because after all, presentation is everything. The Olgie who wrote a special cookbook and then only gave this book to family and special friends. The Olgie, who's house everyone came to for all holidays and special events.
All along in these many blogs I have written about how I knew I would never be the same person I was prior to all the deaths. All along throughout my blogs I talked about changing, and have been changing…not deliberately, but nonetheless still changing, and knowing I would never again be the same person. Since day one in these blogs I just knew everyone around me could see me, the new me…and realize how much I had changed. It has never been talked about aloud in my presence…but I could feel the stares of family and friends in these last years. It was pretty obvious when I entered a room and my family and friends stopped talking…one could see in their eyes the conversation was most likely about Olgie. And my home…which was once immaculate on any given day…is now a wreck, at best, and seldom tidy. The repairs which needed done in my home were taken care of right away…and now nothing is getting fixed. The downstairs bathroom does not flush…so I keep the door closed. The deck is literally falling apart, and I merely walk lightly and around the areas I know are weak. My kitchen faucet has been leaking and making noises for the last couple years, a quarter inch of dust sits on every flat surface in my home…and my yard…my yard which I once worked endlessly on, my yard which I have always been so very proud of...is now filled with every type of weed imaginable. Instead of vacuuming, dusting, and mopping every single day as I once did, I now do this maybe once a month. Instead of doing the things I once did on a daily basis...I sit in my corner. How has anyone not noticed?
Oh yes, through no fault of my own, I have most definitely changed…and yet on this day…my beautiful little friend is expecting I will one day just fall back into the Olgie she once knew. I could not stop the tears from excaping my eyes, and I cried knowing she does not know my pain. My hope is...she will never know my pain…
“Honey, I will never be that Olgie again, don’t you know that?” I said as lightly as I could. “I don’t think you understand.”
“Oh, maybe not today…but you will be one day. Take these beautiful things home, put them on your walls, and they will make you feel good. You’ll see. My BFF, sometimes I worry about you,” She responded.
As close as I am to this beautiful person, she still does not understand my pain. How then, can I expect anyone else to fully accept or at the very least, acknowledge this horrific loss…this unimaginable pain which I grieve? How will I ever be able to get back the ‘old Olgie?’ Here is the thing...even if I could miraculously force myself to do all the things I once enjoyed…I would eventually revert to this new me. No one, not even I, can force a happy face. Oh don’t get me wrong…I wear a mask all day long…but it is just that, a mask to protect those around me. No one wants to be around one who grieves…no one…not even me.
I have thought about my situation, my predicament for months now…I am not sure how I will get that happiness back. That natural happiness, the kind you wake up to, and the kind of happiness that makes people whistle, or hum to a tune…how do I get that back? Hell, more than half the friends…and family…I once had are now gone. People leave, that is what they do, they seek happiness elsewhere if they cannot find it in familiar surroundings. And that is exactly what has happened to me. I lost all my friends, and the majority of my family due to my own loss. This is the secondary loss which I blogged about many months ago. That loss is never again regained. It is gone…just like my son is gone.
I have thought of little else in the last couple of years. I have thought long and hard about this new Olgie that has emerged from all this grief. Can she be changed? Oh but I have tried to change myself back to the old Olgie everyone once knew...I really have tried. Truth is, one cannot wish to be happy. Happiness is a thing which comes naturally. It cannot be force upon anyone. I cannot force myself to be happy...how can I be happy...I am in 'Hell!' This is truely what Hell is like. Living life as it comes. There are days where I am having a good time...and then something triggers my memories...and bang...tears will flow. This is true grief...this is what the loss of a child feels like...this is the life of this new Olgie. This is my life without my son.
