Fifth Anniversary of Jeff's Death
Today is the fifth anniversary of Jeff’s death...it has been five years since he has been gone…and still not a day goes by when he is not in my thoughts…not a single day. Jeff was my light, and I am now in process of writing a book from all those many blogs. I am sharing some excerpts from my book in progress...
“I love you Mom,” were the last words he said to me…but were they really? Since Jeff’s passing, and always during my lowest emotional state, I have come across note after note written to me by Jeff. Could that really be a coincidence? These notes, emails, and texts messages I have found since his death have been so poignant in the moment found…and yet after reading and rereading his words expressing his unabashed love has lifted my heart and has given me strength to continue to live. Oh the heartache I suffered in the early years
When I look back to the immediate days, months, and years, after Jeff first passed…I can honestly say I was completely broken. I did not know how I would survive the nightmare of losing my only biological child…all my thoughts were of suicide. Every single time I got into my car, I knew it would be my last day on earth. The words, “I just want to die,” never came out of my mouth yet my family hid my guns and hunting knives from me, thinking they were keeping me safe from suicide…little did they know my thoughts were of ‘suicide by vehicle.’
“I love you Mom,” were the last words he said to me…but were they really? Since Jeff’s passing, and always during my lowest emotional state, I have come across note after note written to me by Jeff. Could that really be a coincidence? These notes, emails, and texts messages I have found since his death have been so poignant in the moment found…and yet after reading and rereading his words expressing his unabashed love has lifted my heart and has given me strength to continue to live. Oh the heartache I suffered in the early years
When I look back to the immediate days, months, and years, after Jeff first passed…I can honestly say I was completely broken. I did not know how I would survive the nightmare of losing my only biological child…all my thoughts were of suicide. Every single time I got into my car, I knew it would be my last day on earth. The words, “I just want to die,” never came out of my mouth yet my family hid my guns and hunting knives from me, thinking they were keeping me safe from suicide…little did they know my thoughts were of ‘suicide by vehicle.’
There came a time where I knew if I did not get help, these suicidal thoughts which were getting stronger by the day, would become a reality. One day by coincidence, I ran into a man who suggested I blog about my sorrow. His words to me that day, “There are no coincidence in life, everything that happens in life, happens for a reason,” thus implying our meeting that day was meant to be. That very day, I started blogging. The first sentence I wrote in my very first blog was: 'How does one move forward when there is no light at the end of the tunnel?' Each and every time I wrote about my moment to moment sorrow I helped myself stay alive one more day. If not for the words of a stranger, and the countless talks with my therapist, there is no doubt in my mind; I would not be here today.
What I learned from Jeff’s death is it is OK to continue to love myself, it is OK to continue to breath, it is ok to continue to live my life without Jeff in my life, and most important…it is OK to let the tears flow. Truth is Jeff is a cohesive part of me…of who I am…of who I will always be. I have definitely beaten myself up time and again about all the ‘what if’s, and about ‘why didn’t I.’ I now know I cannot go through life thrashing myself anymore than I already have. I am long past those thoughts of killing myself, but this does not mean my life is easy. I still struggle without my son in my life…but I now know this day to day pain I carry, will be with me until I take my last breath. Thus is the meaning of true parental love. I was a mother to…I am a mother to a beautiful boy who grew into a very good man…and who I lost far too young in life.
