Ready For My Final Chapter
As I read back to the beginning of my blogs I realize there
is so much more I would like to add, far more than a simple day-to-day blog
could possibly say. When I first started
blogging, my intention was to get enough blogs down to perhaps help others in
my same situation. During my
immediate loss, I was so overcome with emotions of heartache, all I wanted
was to help all other parents who were in the same emotional state as I, and I
also wanted to educate those around me who did not know what to say or how to
act. By writing about my own ‘in the
moment’ sorrow, my hopes were to allow those who read my blogs to learn from my grief...from my voice...on how to better help people within their own circle through whatever grief they
are going through. I do not know if I
have in any way helped anyone, nor do I think I have accomplished these goals I
set out to do when I started blogging.
What I have found…what I did not know…was I in turn would be helping
myself by blogging about my grief. My, ‘in
the moment,’ blogs have become therapy for me.
My writings about my innermost feelings and emotions became a way for me
to explain to others exactly how I was feeling in the moment of real time
grief. What I have found out while
blogging is depending on my day-to-day emotions…this progression in mourning
has no consistency. Every time I thought
I was over the loss of my son I have been struck by overwhelming emotions of
sorrow time and again. As I reflect on
these blogs, I come to realize I have been unhappy for a very long time.
Looking back to a time I was happy…would mean looking back, way back to a time prior to everyone dying. I took a selfie recently and posted it on a social site. There were many comments about how beautiful my eyes were. As I stared into the eyes of the woman in the picture…all I saw was sorrow in those same eyes. The eyes in the same picture below are not happy eyes…these eyes, that others think are beautiful, have seen too much sorrow. The tears which have fallen from these eyes over the last years have been far too many to count, but could probably fill bucket after bucket. How many times over the years have these same eyes been left so sore and swollen from falling tears? How many of you would say these are happy eyes…if even one of you can say yes to this question, it tells me you do not know the kind of grief these eyes have seen.
Looking back to a time I was happy…would mean looking back, way back to a time prior to everyone dying. I took a selfie recently and posted it on a social site. There were many comments about how beautiful my eyes were. As I stared into the eyes of the woman in the picture…all I saw was sorrow in those same eyes. The eyes in the same picture below are not happy eyes…these eyes, that others think are beautiful, have seen too much sorrow. The tears which have fallen from these eyes over the last years have been far too many to count, but could probably fill bucket after bucket. How many times over the years have these same eyes been left so sore and swollen from falling tears? How many of you would say these are happy eyes…if even one of you can say yes to this question, it tells me you do not know the kind of grief these eyes have seen.
In recent months I have been trying to sort out my mind…well
perhaps longer than recent months. I do
little else but think of my past…of my loss…and I think about what the future has
in store for this new life I have been forced to live without my son. I try to imagine my life, the remainder of my
life without my son in it. It is
impossible to imagine he will never again be here with me. I am living every day without Jeff, and still
when I sit and think of his absence, I cannot imagine nor understand Jeff not
being here in the next hour, let alone all the tomorrows down the road. My thoughts are just crazy because my son has
been gone over three years…yet I still…cannot envision the rest of my life
without Jeff in it. I was accustomed to
talking to Jeff on the phone all hours of day and night… and to this day…I
still carry my phone everywhere I go hoping it will ring, which is really foolish. Knowing he will never be here, knowing he
will never talk to me again…deep down…I still hope. How crazy are these thoughts?
Jeff died the morning of March 11, 2013…and still to this very day, there are days I do not think I will survive to that day's end...and yet I am here, wondering how I will survive the reminder of my life without him. I do not stop to think I have already been surviving without him…I only think of my future days without him in my life. Oh yes, so many days I find myself overwhelmed with so much sorrow, so much so, it is as though he had just that moment perished, albeit those days are getting further and further apart. And still this emotional pain can at times make me double over with incomparable grief, and will still leave me with a feeling of absolute loneliness. There are just no words in this vast English language to express the emptiness in my life since Jeff has been gone. Don’t get me wrong, I have many people who love me…but truth is I can be surrounded by all the people in the world that love me…and still...I feel alone without Jeff. There have been many times since Jeff died where my house is filled with people, filled with laughter…yet I still have to step away to the solitude of my bedroom, if only for a few moments…for no other reason than to collect my emotions before returning to the events of the moment. Oh my, the sorrow these eyes have seen…
I wait…I continue to wait for everything to get better. When Jeff first departed, everyone around me kept telling me ‘things will get better with time.’ Well, quite frankly…I am still waiting for that ‘time’ when I no longer mourn. Truth is…I now know that ‘time’ will never come. I will always mourn Jeff. He was my only child…he was a cohesive part of my life…and although I go through my regular everyday routines in this new life…he will always be missed. My heart will always feel a sense of emptiness with Jeff gone. How can I possibly feel otherwise…Jeff was the mainstay in my life! Although I have survived without Jeff thus far…living life, breathing, eating, functioning, interacting with others…I still feel lost without him in my life. I now know I will never stop missing Jeff. The love this mother has for her child is just that…love, and I now know even though Jeff is gone this love will not diminish. This is the reason my own mother still mourns her children. I now know why all those coordinators of ‘The Compassionate Friends’ group, (which I blogged about a few years back), cried when they spoke of their children who had perished years ago. I now understand the true meaning of parental love, and the very depths of this unselfish, endless love.
I have learned firsthand, when one dies, those that mourn need understanding from others…they need to be surrounded by friends and family so they can be reminded they are not alone in their grief. The companionship and empathy they get from others during their immediate grief will keep the progression of the mourning process moving forward for the bereaved. In my case I was abandoned by my family and friends…I was left alone to grieve…I wanted to die. I have come to understand the reason I felt so alone, one reason I stood still in my grief, was due to the lack of contact from family and friends. I am not angry, and I don’t blame them…they all stood by my side when I lost Steve, I can only assume one more death was just too much for them. It really does take a lot out of a person when they are trying wholeheartedly to help another emotionally. This process takes a toll on them. No I am not angry, not anymore. Thank goodness for Jeff’s presence through the immediate months after his death. I do wholeheartedly believe Jeff has been helping me through my grief via another plane, and he is the very reason I can still stand tall. No one will ever convince me there is no life after death…I have experience far too many ‘out of this world’ crazy things to not believe, and I do believe both Steve and Jeff stayed behind to help me grieve. The love I had for Jeff while he was alive will never go away…and the longer he is gone from my sight…the more I love him. Jeff truly was my life, he was my heart, my dearest heart.
In recent months I have thought long and hard about my future, my future without my son. I am alone in this vast world, I know that now. Yes, I have family, yes, I have friends…but still it is up to me alone, to continue my trek in this world. I now know I must keep moving forward to fulfill my destiny. Jeff and I used to talk about it, ‘my intention,' my destiny. He supported my love for writing, and wanted me to write books…children’s books.
When the kids were little I made up bedtime stories for them. They loved all the stories I told them over and over throughout their growing up years, and then when they started having their own children I put those same stories in book form for their children, complete with my illustrations. Jeff loved the books, and wanted to see them in print. He tried endlessly to get me to send them to publishers. Perhaps one day I will do this very thing…but for now...I realize my voice is needed elsewhere. My voice, this voice as a story teller, is needed to help other parents who have lost children. I do not know if I will continue blogging, or if this blog will be my last blog…what I do know is my direction, my future, is in writing…not children’s books, but my real life experience in losing my only child. People need to know they are not alone in their grief. By writing my story, people will know the things they experience in grief, in heartbreak, has been felt by millions of parents. And they need to know it is up to each individual parent to find their own way to survive. By turning these blogs into book form I am convinced it will help other parents, even if I only help a few it will still be worth my efforts. So for now my concentration will turn toward writing that book that Jeff wanted me to author…the content may not be what he wanted to see…but he would still approve. There is just too much heartbreak out there from bereaved parents, and not enough firsthand experiences in this area for them to read about.
People need to know they are not alone. I want people to learn from my own experience in this moment to moment process of bereavement. They need to know it is 'ok' to sob in the shower before work. They need to know it is healthy to talk about their loss, in fact it is therapeutic for them. Parents need to know their grief on losing their child is unique only to them. The relationship they had with their children, with each child, is unique to each parent. People don’t talk about these things…we need to talk about these things. When someone dies, family and friends immediately show up to help, to comfort, to give the griever a hand to hold...for a short while anyway…and then they expect the griever to just stop grieving and get on with their life. Family and friends need to know they will always be needed by the bereaved.
These are the things I will write about…these are but a few things I will explore in my book. My faith, or lack thereof…perhaps I will explore this as well. It may take me a year…hell, it may take several years…what Jeff knew about his mother, and the one thing he loved most about me...is when I set out to do something…it gets done.
Jeff died the morning of March 11, 2013…and still to this very day, there are days I do not think I will survive to that day's end...and yet I am here, wondering how I will survive the reminder of my life without him. I do not stop to think I have already been surviving without him…I only think of my future days without him in my life. Oh yes, so many days I find myself overwhelmed with so much sorrow, so much so, it is as though he had just that moment perished, albeit those days are getting further and further apart. And still this emotional pain can at times make me double over with incomparable grief, and will still leave me with a feeling of absolute loneliness. There are just no words in this vast English language to express the emptiness in my life since Jeff has been gone. Don’t get me wrong, I have many people who love me…but truth is I can be surrounded by all the people in the world that love me…and still...I feel alone without Jeff. There have been many times since Jeff died where my house is filled with people, filled with laughter…yet I still have to step away to the solitude of my bedroom, if only for a few moments…for no other reason than to collect my emotions before returning to the events of the moment. Oh my, the sorrow these eyes have seen…
I wait…I continue to wait for everything to get better. When Jeff first departed, everyone around me kept telling me ‘things will get better with time.’ Well, quite frankly…I am still waiting for that ‘time’ when I no longer mourn. Truth is…I now know that ‘time’ will never come. I will always mourn Jeff. He was my only child…he was a cohesive part of my life…and although I go through my regular everyday routines in this new life…he will always be missed. My heart will always feel a sense of emptiness with Jeff gone. How can I possibly feel otherwise…Jeff was the mainstay in my life! Although I have survived without Jeff thus far…living life, breathing, eating, functioning, interacting with others…I still feel lost without him in my life. I now know I will never stop missing Jeff. The love this mother has for her child is just that…love, and I now know even though Jeff is gone this love will not diminish. This is the reason my own mother still mourns her children. I now know why all those coordinators of ‘The Compassionate Friends’ group, (which I blogged about a few years back), cried when they spoke of their children who had perished years ago. I now understand the true meaning of parental love, and the very depths of this unselfish, endless love.
I have learned firsthand, when one dies, those that mourn need understanding from others…they need to be surrounded by friends and family so they can be reminded they are not alone in their grief. The companionship and empathy they get from others during their immediate grief will keep the progression of the mourning process moving forward for the bereaved. In my case I was abandoned by my family and friends…I was left alone to grieve…I wanted to die. I have come to understand the reason I felt so alone, one reason I stood still in my grief, was due to the lack of contact from family and friends. I am not angry, and I don’t blame them…they all stood by my side when I lost Steve, I can only assume one more death was just too much for them. It really does take a lot out of a person when they are trying wholeheartedly to help another emotionally. This process takes a toll on them. No I am not angry, not anymore. Thank goodness for Jeff’s presence through the immediate months after his death. I do wholeheartedly believe Jeff has been helping me through my grief via another plane, and he is the very reason I can still stand tall. No one will ever convince me there is no life after death…I have experience far too many ‘out of this world’ crazy things to not believe, and I do believe both Steve and Jeff stayed behind to help me grieve. The love I had for Jeff while he was alive will never go away…and the longer he is gone from my sight…the more I love him. Jeff truly was my life, he was my heart, my dearest heart.
In recent months I have thought long and hard about my future, my future without my son. I am alone in this vast world, I know that now. Yes, I have family, yes, I have friends…but still it is up to me alone, to continue my trek in this world. I now know I must keep moving forward to fulfill my destiny. Jeff and I used to talk about it, ‘my intention,' my destiny. He supported my love for writing, and wanted me to write books…children’s books.
When the kids were little I made up bedtime stories for them. They loved all the stories I told them over and over throughout their growing up years, and then when they started having their own children I put those same stories in book form for their children, complete with my illustrations. Jeff loved the books, and wanted to see them in print. He tried endlessly to get me to send them to publishers. Perhaps one day I will do this very thing…but for now...I realize my voice is needed elsewhere. My voice, this voice as a story teller, is needed to help other parents who have lost children. I do not know if I will continue blogging, or if this blog will be my last blog…what I do know is my direction, my future, is in writing…not children’s books, but my real life experience in losing my only child. People need to know they are not alone in their grief. By writing my story, people will know the things they experience in grief, in heartbreak, has been felt by millions of parents. And they need to know it is up to each individual parent to find their own way to survive. By turning these blogs into book form I am convinced it will help other parents, even if I only help a few it will still be worth my efforts. So for now my concentration will turn toward writing that book that Jeff wanted me to author…the content may not be what he wanted to see…but he would still approve. There is just too much heartbreak out there from bereaved parents, and not enough firsthand experiences in this area for them to read about.
People need to know they are not alone. I want people to learn from my own experience in this moment to moment process of bereavement. They need to know it is 'ok' to sob in the shower before work. They need to know it is healthy to talk about their loss, in fact it is therapeutic for them. Parents need to know their grief on losing their child is unique only to them. The relationship they had with their children, with each child, is unique to each parent. People don’t talk about these things…we need to talk about these things. When someone dies, family and friends immediately show up to help, to comfort, to give the griever a hand to hold...for a short while anyway…and then they expect the griever to just stop grieving and get on with their life. Family and friends need to know they will always be needed by the bereaved.
These are the things I will write about…these are but a few things I will explore in my book. My faith, or lack thereof…perhaps I will explore this as well. It may take me a year…hell, it may take several years…what Jeff knew about his mother, and the one thing he loved most about me...is when I set out to do something…it gets done.
