Are You Gone?

Are You Gone?

As I started to write this poem, the words came so easy. It was as though I didn't have to think about it. I think it was because I was thinking about Jeff...about all the positive things he was in my life. This poem describes how very much Jeff affected my life, influenced my life.  He was my 'Go To' person. For everything. Every decision I made, I ran across him first. He usually agreed with my decisions, but not always. My son was my confidant, he was my strength, he was my light. In accepting his death, I found I have developed many new weaknesses, as well as strengths. So in my poem I described my son followed by what I see is a positive...or rather I hope it is. I have developed my own sense of who I now am. I have most definitely changed but I guess that doesn't really matter.

I stopped going to therapy a couple months back, I figured I was no longer suicidal...so what's the point. I mean after all, that was the reason I started going in the first place...you know...to prevent myself from committing suicide. And after all these months of therapy what the hell is there left to talk about. Besides my therapist just had her first child, and I just can't go there right now. There have been a few days when I nearly called her to set up an appointment. And I know will be days ahead where I probably will make the phone call.  I already know in advance she will be there when she is needed.

I am not going to say how very much I miss Jeff these days. Anyone who has been following already knows that. Tonight I have a sense of calmness about me. Perhaps because I am working on Jeff 's Memorial Garden. Perhaps all that hard work is working off some of these negative feelings in myself.  Think about it...I am working on planting a Memorial Garden...not a vegetable garden.  One shovel full of dirt, rock, or road-mix over and over, has given me much time to think.  Has set me in this mood of sedateness.  Jeff has been gone 15 months...15 months...and I have made it through this dark tunnel. I know there will be other tunnels. I do not look forward to those, but I now know I will get past them. As you read my poem below...think of the man for whom the poem was written. Real the words...because they describe my son. They describe who he was , and how very much he was a part of my life. These words convey my love for Jeff.

Are You Gone?

Gone from my life, but you're still in my soul
Gone from my tomorrows, but not from my yesterdays
Gone from my sight, but not from my thoughts
Gone from my existence, but you are in my memories
Gone is my protector, but I am no longer afraid
Gone from my touch, but not from my affection
Gone from my view, but you are in my dreams
Gone from my shadow, but not from my imagination
Gone is your birthday, but I celebrate your life
Gone is your voice, but I hear you still
Gone is your advice, but I still trudge ahead
Gone is my hero, but I carry your strength
Gone from my house, but you live there still
Gone is my light, but I can still see
Gone are our dreams, but I share them with all
Gone is my backbone, but I still stand tall
Gone is my past, but I still have a future
Gone is my confidant, but I still confess my burdens
Gone is my friend, but I remember our conversations
Gone is adulation from you, but I am loved by others
Gone is my treasure, but I am richer for having shared your life
Gone is my power, but I still have a voice 
Gone is my light at the end of the tunnel, but I am not afraid of the dark 
Gone is my legacy, but you live in your children
Gone is my beloved, but I acknowledge your death
Gone is my son, but you live in my heart
~Olgie Castillo