My Life Today

My Life today

My life today...this very day is going well.  This morning I woke to a fresh breeze coming through the open windows, a much cooler breeze than the usual warm, morning summer breeze.  Which is a sign it is going to be a slightly cooler day.  So consequently, today I woke feeling somewhat alive.  I do not always wake feeling alive.  There are many, many days where I wake feeling alone, down, and feeling somewhat numb.   I am not sure I will ever again feel full of life.    Cassie, Jeff’s little girl, after a recent visit noticed my demeanor, and questioned what was wrong.  I told her the truth, I have not been the same since her father passed away.  I promised her I would be getting better with time…funny I made her that promise…knowing full well I may never get better.

I know in time these feelings will eventually cease to be at the forefront of my soul, but will they ever truly go away…probably not.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many days that I enjoy life.  There will always be days where I have a good time with family and friends…but nothing will ever again be as it was.  This is a fact!  You see there is never a time I do not think about Jeff…especially when I am with family and friends.  This is just the way it is.

This morning I woke up feeling good…but now it is afternoon…and much like any other afternoon, I am alone and feeling down.  For the most part, there is no doubt I am in a better place emotionally, but I know in my heart I will never fully recuperate from Jeff’s absence.  So even though my mornings may start out good…at some point during each day…each and every day, I have a down side.  I do not know how people with similar loss get through a full day without even a few minutes of thinking about their loss.  I can only assume they do as I do and go through life wearing a mask…aka a smile.  I have learned over time if I smile, people interact with me.  If I show my true sadness in any way, the same people will avoid me.  So we bereaved, play the game.  Some of us play it better than others.    Today, right this minute I am not playing the game very well.  A close friend, knowing I was having an exceptionally bad day, sent me this passage she found in a book;

“Grief doesn’t have a face, it is without understanding.  It is raw emotion.  It is okay to feel however you are feeling.  And Damn whatever anyone else says or thinks!” 

These words are true you know.  I need a reminder every now and again that this grief I have been experiencing is quite normal…that is normal, for anyone who is grieving.  It may not seem normal for those of you who are not grieving, those of you who are outside looking in, so to speak. 

Unfortunately the majority (if not all) of us will grieve at some point of our lives.  When it happens to you (the reader), I hope you will grieve over a close friend, a pet, a sibling, a parent…but I do not wish any of you to ever have to step in my shoes.  Because this loss of a child does not, nor can it ever, compare to any other loss. 

I recently had the privilege of having Jeff’s children visit with me for three weeks.  Three wonderful weeks!   One of my biggest fears was that Jeff’s children would forget him, would call another man dad, and forget about Jeff.  It made me feel good every time one of the kids would say, “Dad said that same thing all the time,” or “Dad used to do that,” or “That was dad’s favorite.”  I realize now that even though another man is stepping into Jeff’s role as the father they will not forget my son.  Their memories of Jeff are not only positive, but they are unbroken.  I feel good about this.  This recent visit from my grandchildren took away much of my negative thoughts. 

 

In one of these blogs I wrote about missing Jeff calling me ‘Mom.’  As we were driving Sebastian and Cassie (Jeff’s children) home…the word ‘Gramma’ must have passed their lips 1000 times during the drive home.  (I wrote Gramma because children do not say Grandmom or Grandma, or Grandmother…they simply say Gramma.)  And after hearing this word ‘Gramma’ being said over and over during our 900 mile drive to Colorado…I felt good.  No it wasn’t Mom or Mother, as Jeff called me…it was Gramma.  Jeff is here with me, with his children.  I feel good about that.  And although I cannot stop the on again off again feelings of loneliness, I am for the most part, emotionally better today than I have been for a long time.  I didn’t know how very much I could and would heal with that little visit from my grandchildren.

These days I try not to dwell on Jeff’s death.  I try not to let my mind go to how he died, or why he died.  I try to remember his life…or rather the better aspects of his life.  Jeff was a good man, he was a good father, and he was a good husband.  He was dealt a bad hand in health…he did not complain much...and he truly loved us all.  Jeff was quiet in character, rarely spoke unless spoken to.  And when he did speak, he rarely spoke more than two words at a time. Anyone who knew Jeff knew they could not ask closed in questions…because the only answer they would get was yes, or no…nothing more.  If you were family or good friends to Jeff, then you knew he had the best sense of humor and when he laughed…everyone laughed with him because his smile lit up the entire room.   

Although I really try not to dwell on the negative aspects surrounding Jeff's health or his death, there are still many days where I do not think I will make it through the day.  Before I started writing this blog I was having one of those days...I even tried calling my therapist...but this writing has proven to be a method of healing for me.  Those feelings of desperation have now passed...for the time being anyway. I miss my son, nothing will ever change that…but I now realize...he is still in my heart!