Am I My Own Judas?
This morning a co-worker was asking questions about Jeff,
about his health. How would any of you
feel if you were in my shoes…he has been gone nearly 18 months now, and this is the
first time anyone here at work has asked about Jeff. The first time! I just want to scream!!! Perhaps it is because I have been talking
about the Memorial Garden, have shown them pictures of its progression. It makes me ill to think my son died and no
one here at work noticed! Actually I am
not even sure my family and friends noticed either. How can that be? I at times still feel so alone. There is no doubt people, my close friends, my family,
have made a conscious choice to stay away. I disconnected
my house phone, because it never rang…and my cell phone still never reaches it
500 maximum minutes each month? Isn’t
that something? So much for family and
close friends being here to support not only me…but anyone else in my position. My heart goes out to all of you who know my
pain. All of you who have lost your only
child, and then have suffered through losing your family and friends after the
loss of your child. I know your pain…I
echo your pain. This secondary loss is another form of bereavement.
My goodness, what has this f’n world come to? Prior to losing Steve, he told me his children would most likely not be here for me after he passed away. His words were, “Honey all the kids have told me they would be here to help you once I am gone.” Then he paused and said, “But I suspect they are not being honest with me. Don’t trust them Baby…they will not be good to you.” Steve was so right! I almost feel as though someone should have warned me that everyone else would do the same after Jeff died. If only we could all predict the future…do you think this would have an effect on how we live our present life? Of course it would. Would I have wasted all those days being nice to Steve’s kids…trying to make them feel welcomed in our home? Cooking for them, cleaning up after they all left…No, I doubt that I would have gone through all the trouble caring for them as I did. The same is true now…with Jeff gone. I have written on this subject some time back…but one would think anyone who pulled away would at some point…be back to say, “Hi, how is it going?” I have come to the conclusion life does not work that way. Once someone is gone…things between you and that person (those people), will never again be as they were. It just won’t…that is a fact! I have also concluded this is the natural progression of life itself. Perhaps this is what we are all meant to do...pull away from each other and go forth to meet new people.
People come and go in your life…I just really think this is the way things are meant to be. Steve was here for a time…now he is gone. Jeff was here for a time…he too, is also gone. And all the people in between…they are all gone. For those of us who are left behind, we suffer. Perhaps we were meant to suffer. Some of us more than others, but we suffer none the less. Do you suppose God himself knows we suffer? Do you think he cares? I don’t know either way…according to scriptures he is ‘know-all, tell-all.’ I guess I don’t really give a hoot, one way or another…I just don’t care anymore.
Earlier in my writings I talked about being one’s own Judas. Judas, back in the time of Christ, was the very person who betrayed Christ...who turned his back on him for his own gain. So I think I finally know the true meaning of this question…am I my own Judas?
Recently my daughter and a friend helped me clean the entire downstairs of my home. As we cleaned years and years of dust…I looked around and wondered, “When did this happen?” This? When did I, and why did I allow this to happen. All the dirt that surrounded me downstairs, when did I let that happen? After Steve died I allowed people to move in downstairs. I gave them all the space I felt they needed to make them feel comfortable. In doing this I also allowed them to take away from me that which was my very way of life. I allowed them to mess up my home. I allowed it. I had no choice...I needed the money to make ends meet...to save my home. And then afterwards, after they have all moved on with their own lives...I cannot believe my eyes…can not believe how badly I had let things go. I don’t even know which room was worse, the bathroom, the family room, the dormitory, the laundry room, the hallway, or the bedroom. How many people have I allowed to live downstairs?
When I asked Tina, “When did this happen?”
“You did what you had to do. To keep the house after Dad died. You did what you had to do.” She replied.
So I ask again, “Am I my own Judas? Am I the reason I allowed my house to become so dirty? Am I the reason people stopped calling after Jeff died? Did my sorrow drive everyone away? Or did I somehow omit some sort of unseen vibe…letting people know I did not want them around. Were people just afraid I would off myself, and thereby not want to be around me…you know…just in case I actually did kill myself. The fact that I have been sitting in my corner for the past year and a half, I can understand that alone, would warn people off.”
I have been thinking about everything that has happened lately. The death of my son, my husband, my best friend, siblings. I yearn to hold my son, to talk to him. I long to talk to him…and at the same time I can’t help but wonder what happened to everyone else. I think about my present state of mind…my present state of existence, which is not much of anything right now. All the things that happened the day Jeff died and things that happened shortly thereafter. I am so completely overwhelmed with these thoughts within me that I, at times, find myself grieving just as much today as I was right after Jeff died. I ask again…"Am I my own Judas? Have I somehow brought all this ill will upon myself? Have I, in my own tenacious approach, laid this whole reality into motion for myself without even knowing it? Is it possible for a person to do this? Is it possible to do this to oneself without knowing it? Am I my own Judas?"
I believe I have become my own Judas without even knowing it. I have betrayed myself...my entire life as it was has changed. I have changed. I allowed the dirt to accumulate both downstairs and upstairs. I have somehow pushed others away...at lease I now believe they felt as though I did not want them around. Truth is...I really did not want them around...I probably still don't. For now anyway I am fine mulling around in my own thoughts. It is doing me good to think, to discover on my own how to survive this horrendous nightmare. I know in my heart, those that I lost and still love are here...here with me...helping me through this dark passage.
My goodness, what has this f’n world come to? Prior to losing Steve, he told me his children would most likely not be here for me after he passed away. His words were, “Honey all the kids have told me they would be here to help you once I am gone.” Then he paused and said, “But I suspect they are not being honest with me. Don’t trust them Baby…they will not be good to you.” Steve was so right! I almost feel as though someone should have warned me that everyone else would do the same after Jeff died. If only we could all predict the future…do you think this would have an effect on how we live our present life? Of course it would. Would I have wasted all those days being nice to Steve’s kids…trying to make them feel welcomed in our home? Cooking for them, cleaning up after they all left…No, I doubt that I would have gone through all the trouble caring for them as I did. The same is true now…with Jeff gone. I have written on this subject some time back…but one would think anyone who pulled away would at some point…be back to say, “Hi, how is it going?” I have come to the conclusion life does not work that way. Once someone is gone…things between you and that person (those people), will never again be as they were. It just won’t…that is a fact! I have also concluded this is the natural progression of life itself. Perhaps this is what we are all meant to do...pull away from each other and go forth to meet new people.
People come and go in your life…I just really think this is the way things are meant to be. Steve was here for a time…now he is gone. Jeff was here for a time…he too, is also gone. And all the people in between…they are all gone. For those of us who are left behind, we suffer. Perhaps we were meant to suffer. Some of us more than others, but we suffer none the less. Do you suppose God himself knows we suffer? Do you think he cares? I don’t know either way…according to scriptures he is ‘know-all, tell-all.’ I guess I don’t really give a hoot, one way or another…I just don’t care anymore.
Earlier in my writings I talked about being one’s own Judas. Judas, back in the time of Christ, was the very person who betrayed Christ...who turned his back on him for his own gain. So I think I finally know the true meaning of this question…am I my own Judas?
Recently my daughter and a friend helped me clean the entire downstairs of my home. As we cleaned years and years of dust…I looked around and wondered, “When did this happen?” This? When did I, and why did I allow this to happen. All the dirt that surrounded me downstairs, when did I let that happen? After Steve died I allowed people to move in downstairs. I gave them all the space I felt they needed to make them feel comfortable. In doing this I also allowed them to take away from me that which was my very way of life. I allowed them to mess up my home. I allowed it. I had no choice...I needed the money to make ends meet...to save my home. And then afterwards, after they have all moved on with their own lives...I cannot believe my eyes…can not believe how badly I had let things go. I don’t even know which room was worse, the bathroom, the family room, the dormitory, the laundry room, the hallway, or the bedroom. How many people have I allowed to live downstairs?
When I asked Tina, “When did this happen?”
“You did what you had to do. To keep the house after Dad died. You did what you had to do.” She replied.
So I ask again, “Am I my own Judas? Am I the reason I allowed my house to become so dirty? Am I the reason people stopped calling after Jeff died? Did my sorrow drive everyone away? Or did I somehow omit some sort of unseen vibe…letting people know I did not want them around. Were people just afraid I would off myself, and thereby not want to be around me…you know…just in case I actually did kill myself. The fact that I have been sitting in my corner for the past year and a half, I can understand that alone, would warn people off.”
I have been thinking about everything that has happened lately. The death of my son, my husband, my best friend, siblings. I yearn to hold my son, to talk to him. I long to talk to him…and at the same time I can’t help but wonder what happened to everyone else. I think about my present state of mind…my present state of existence, which is not much of anything right now. All the things that happened the day Jeff died and things that happened shortly thereafter. I am so completely overwhelmed with these thoughts within me that I, at times, find myself grieving just as much today as I was right after Jeff died. I ask again…"Am I my own Judas? Have I somehow brought all this ill will upon myself? Have I, in my own tenacious approach, laid this whole reality into motion for myself without even knowing it? Is it possible for a person to do this? Is it possible to do this to oneself without knowing it? Am I my own Judas?"
I believe I have become my own Judas without even knowing it. I have betrayed myself...my entire life as it was has changed. I have changed. I allowed the dirt to accumulate both downstairs and upstairs. I have somehow pushed others away...at lease I now believe they felt as though I did not want them around. Truth is...I really did not want them around...I probably still don't. For now anyway I am fine mulling around in my own thoughts. It is doing me good to think, to discover on my own how to survive this horrendous nightmare. I know in my heart, those that I lost and still love are here...here with me...helping me through this dark passage.
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