And Now What?

And Now What? 

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked myself this question.  Now what?  What do I do now?  Where do I go from here?  And then what?  The answer to all these questions…I still do not know.  I just do not have an answer.  Some days I am doing fine and at the drop of a hat…I am a mess.  Am I getting better…yes I am.  I guess I will be getting better for a long time.  Stupid, huh?   This is the only conclusion I have come to know.  I am getting better, but I am not quite there yet.   

There are still days where something will trigger my emotions and boom!  Down I go!  Then there are day where I am sobbing all night and wake with swollen eyes.  Those are the days I slumber out of bed and force myself to go in to work.  Those day are fewer and fewer as time goes by…but they are far from gone.  I can only surmise that life will go on until one day I will finally realize I no longer have those days.  Today is not that day… 

I miss my son…and I miss my husband.  Isn’t that funny.  Ever since I let go of their ashes I have fallen back in time.  Yearning for the life I shared with them.  Longing to have my family back in one piece.  Those horrible emotions of months passed have suddenly returned…and at times…even those desires of finding a truck in my path have returned.  How many countless people have shared these up and down emotions, this sorrow, that seems to bounce in and out of my life at the flip of a switch?  I know from research and from counseling I am still on the right track…but at times it feels like I am regressing.  I know I am still going through phases of grieving.  I find it incredible that after all this time, I still find myself going through these phases. 

There is no time table on grief.  Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own timeline…no two people are alike.  So why does it still surprise me that I seem to have fallen back?  I guess because I am unable to answer the question…Where do I go from here?  I don’t have an answer, and as long as my sorrow weaves in and out of my life…I won’t have an answer.   I do try to keep moving forward…I keep telling myself…anything that happens from now on will never be as bad as what has already transpired.  I keep telling myself that but truth is…I am still fighting that which has already transpired. 

I miss talking to Jeff.  Jeff once wrote me, “One of the things I miss most about dad…the ability to talk to him with the confidence that whatever I said, would stay between us; and the unbiased in his opinions.”  And another time he wrote, “The one thing I miss most about dad is his calmness through adversity, and his wisdom.  I am nowhere near as tough as dad was, but I am not exactly weak either.  I can deal with what I’m going through, and the pain will eventually subside.  I’ll be fine, trust me.”   The very thing he missed about his father is the very thing I miss most about my son.  His unbiased opinions…confidence that whatever we talked about would stay between us.  I miss Jeff’s calmness through adversity, and oh yes…I miss his wisdom.  I miss being put on a pedestal, I miss being loved.  I miss being called ‘Mom’ by my son, and I miss being called ‘Lotus Blossom’ by my husband.  Is that really so bad?  Is it really so bad I have questions that I cannot answer…questions which I may never be able to answer?   Jeff said he would be fine…isn’t this the same thing I keep telling myself.  I will be ok.  I can find a way to deal with this immediate pain…this sorrow.  (Although Jeff’s was talking about his physical pain).  It is no different. 

For the last few weeks I keep telling myself…”Keep going, this is just another hill.  This is nothing like the mountains you’ve already climbed.   Just keep moving, this will pass.”  The problem is, even though I know this will pass…when you, I, am in the moment…the sorrow is at times all too consuming to allow yourself/myself to know it will pass.