Feb 11, 2016
Hi Doob,
How I miss you baby, you cannot even imagine what my life
has become without you here by my side.
It has been nearly three years…nearly three entire years since I have
last talked to you. I am not even sure
how it is that I am still alive. Well
perhaps I should say, I am alive on the outside, but my heart has long ago
died, because the day you died…I died with you.
Here, in my chest lies a heart with a very big hole. Without you here in my life, my heart is
dead. It has a void that will never again
be filled…not by anyone.
This is how I feel every single day since you have been gone...I
walk, I talk, I eat, I breathe, I interact with others…but deep down in my
heart…I have nothing. I always feel
alone…even when I am in a room full of people, I still feel alone. Since you have been gone, since the day you
died, I feel I too am dead. I have sporadic
memories of the year after you died. Hit
and miss type of memories. You know, I
may remember some things, but the memories are sort of vague, and I am not too
sure if they are in fact memories or maybe they are conversations, not
memories, I heard somebody else talk about.
I do remember the moment Seb broke the news to me, “Oh Gramma, this is
bad…this is very bad.” I remember being
in the cab of the ‘beast’ trying to see through the tears the created a river
down my face. I remember the screams in the
cab, although it wasn’t until later that I realized the screams I heard were coming
from my own mouth. I will never forget
that moment in time baby. I don’t have
recollection of how I got home that day.
Nor do I have recollection of who I called…but I think I called
Dwaine. He must have called everyone
else for me. And I do remember that
dreadful drive to Colorado…that drive that seemed to take endless hours…
Sometimes I look back at my life and I just cannot believe
how the tides have turned. I must have
drowned a thousand times in this life I live…and still none of those sorrows
can compare to your loss. How I miss you
baby. How I miss our long talks, your advice,
your praise, your love, and most of all…your laughter. There are still days where the heartache is
so intense, I just know there is no way I will be breathing by day’s end…but
then I find myself in bed that same night, still breathing…and still thinking
about you baby. So somehow I am managing
to live in spite of the pain…I don’t know how I am doing it, but somehow I am
still moving forward. In other words Doob,
you would be proud of me…I am learning to live…well sort of anyway…with you
gone from my sight.
So many times throughout each and every day I find myself
thinking Jeff would be proud. I think
this is how I am managing baby, with the knowledge you would be proud of me…of
me moving forward, is what keeps me pushing on.
Yes some days are so much harder than others, but I am here writing this
letter to you, so surely this means I am coping…or at least learning to survive. Right?
It has nearly been three years Doob…how much longer before
we meet again? How many more nights will
I cry myself to sleep. How many more long
walks will I take…the whole while thinking about my loss, and longing for the past? Day by day baby…for now this is the best I
can do…day by day.
All my love is for
you…Mom
