Hi Doob

Feb 11, 2016

Hi Doob,

How I miss you baby, you cannot even imagine what my life has become without you here by my side.  It has been nearly three years…nearly three entire years since I have last talked to you.  I am not even sure how it is that I am still alive.  Well perhaps I should say, I am alive on the outside, but my heart has long ago died, because the day you died…I died with you.  Here, in my chest lies a heart with a very big hole.  Without you here in my life, my heart is dead.  It has a void that will never again be filled…not by anyone. 

    

This is how I feel every single day since you have been gone...I walk, I talk, I eat, I breathe, I interact with others…but deep down in my heart…I have nothing.  I always feel alone…even when I am in a room full of people, I still feel alone.  Since you have been gone, since the day you died, I feel I too am dead.  I have sporadic memories of the year after you died.  Hit and miss type of memories.  You know, I may remember some things, but the memories are sort of vague, and I am not too sure if they are in fact memories or maybe they are conversations, not memories, I heard somebody else talk about.  I do remember the moment Seb broke the news to me, “Oh Gramma, this is bad…this is very bad.”  I remember being in the cab of the ‘beast’ trying to see through the tears the created a river down my face.  I remember the screams in the cab, although it wasn’t until later that I realized the screams I heard were coming from my own mouth.  I will never forget that moment in time baby.  I don’t have recollection of how I got home that day.  Nor do I have recollection of who I called…but I think I called Dwaine.  He must have called everyone else for me.  And I do remember that dreadful drive to Colorado…that drive that seemed to take endless hours… 

    

Sometimes I look back at my life and I just cannot believe how the tides have turned.  I must have drowned a thousand times in this life I live…and still none of those sorrows can compare to your loss.  How I miss you baby.  How I miss our long talks, your advice, your praise, your love, and most of all…your laughter.   There are still days where the heartache is so intense, I just know there is no way I will be breathing by day’s end…but then I find myself in bed that same night, still breathing…and still thinking about you baby.  So somehow I am managing to live in spite of the pain…I don’t know how I am doing it, but somehow I am still moving forward.  In other words Doob, you would be proud of me…I am learning to live…well sort of anyway…with you gone from my sight. 

So many times throughout each and every day I find myself thinking Jeff would be proud.  I think this is how I am managing baby, with the knowledge you would be proud of me…of me moving forward, is what keeps me pushing on.  Yes some days are so much harder than others, but I am here writing this letter to you, so surely this means I am coping…or at least learning to survive.  Right? 

 

It has nearly been three years Doob…how much longer before we meet again?  How many more nights will I cry myself to sleep.  How many more long walks will I take…the whole while thinking about my loss, and longing for the past?  Day by day baby…for now this is the best I can do…day by day.

All my love is for you…Mom