Where Am I Today?

Where Am I Today?

Lost…that is where I am.  There are still many days I feel lost…and alone. 

I have been trying to write my book, but have found it to be very disturbing to me.  In doing research I have read and re-read all the earliest blogs which were written in my absolute deepest despair.  Much of that grief during those early years of Jeff’s absence hit me far stronger than I ever imagined was possible.  And knowing in advance Jeff would one day perish…I tried not to think about my life without him.  Little did I know then…how absolutely unbearable this unending heartache would be without my son by my side.  When my husband Steve was ill, I had an idea how difficult my days ahead would be. There were times when I actually thought about what I would do once Steve perished, so I thought I had prepared myself.  After he had deceased, the roads after his death were difficult…to say the least.  But Jeff was there by my side every step of the way.  I was not alone.  Through every winding road and through every dark passage my son was there to help me.  After Jeff perished I was alone.  I did all I could to fill my days with work, and I stayed busy doing yard work, running errands, doing household chores, and yes I sat in my corner for far too many days.  Through the years I have tried to fill my life with happy moments, and yes there have been happy times…and yet, my heart always feels empty.  Truth is I feel less than whole without Jeff.  Even when I am in a room full of people…my thoughts are at times thinking about what could have been, or what should have been.

My son, Jeff, loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly…and I now know deep down…I no longer have that undying love in my life. The kind of love given unabashedly to a parent by their child, or vice versa.  That love will forever be gone from my life.  I miss that love, that absolute love.  I truly miss my son, and there are still many days where I have feelings of despair…especially now with my research in writing my book.  It is during these times of desolation in which I continue to come across notes from Jeff.  It is almost as though he is somewhere keeping an eye out for me, watching me…in the event I will need his help.  Throughout these four and a half years I have come across many notes, notes like this from Jeff below;

 

How is it that nearly every time I feel an intense need to hear from Jeff I come across a note, or something else that really triggers a treasured memory from Jeff.  Can it really be a coincidence?  I do not have an answer…no, I will never know.  I like to think my son is still here with me…in another plane of life…but nonetheless still here.  Can it be his spirit?  Perhaps, but I know I will never for sure know why these notes show up ‘just in time,’ and from where they come…coincidence, or do I just will them to show up and wham…there they are!  In the first few years after Jeff passed, I came across these strange happenings often.  These days it is only once in a while that I come across these very welcomed ‘surprises.’  But believe me when I say, ‘they are most welcomed’ each and every time they pop up.  The note above popped up as a memory on Facebook…of all the memories that could have popped up…this one popped up just when I needed it most.  I like to think Jeff is still here somewhere trying to help me through this grieving process as long as he feels it necessary to help me.  That was the kind of man he was in life…helping me…it makes my heart feel good to think he may still be aiding me in death.

I never really thought about the inner depths of emotions I would encounter in writing this book…the emotions which have been stirred up, and which have brought back all the very deep moments of initial grief immediately after Jeff’s death. These emotions…I have come to believe are important for me to remember, and to experience once again…if for no other reason than to help me heal.  I know in all this emotional pain I have suffered…there will be times throughout my life, my entire life…where this hurt will always be present for me, perhaps this is why I suffer.  I also know this heartache will never completely go away…possibly so that I can forever remember a life I once treasured.   How can it go away…in order for that to happen, I will have to forever forget the one person in this world who cherished me most.  Impossible, I can never forget the love of my child.  Therefore, I have concluded this pain can be therapeutic for me….perhaps in a weird way…but maybe it helps me to remember.

These days my phone rarely rings, which means all the people that stayed away in the early years of Jeff’s death are still gone.  All those close relationships of family and dear friends are gone.  Or could it be those relationships were never close in the first place.  Maybe it was just in my imagination that I had friends and family who loved me.  Nonetheless…those family members and friends which have chosen to stay away will never again be gained back in my day to day life.  Maybe this is what life intended for me all along…to just try to be me, alone in this world to sort through my own thoughts.