My Agony

My Agony

Last night I wanted nothing more than to just get it over with…just get it over and done.  I was awake nearly all night thinking, wondering, and crying over things I could not change.  I would doze off for a few minutes and then wake…over and over.  Each time I woke up I would looked at the clock only to find that a few minutes had gone by from the last time I look.  I did not think morning would ever come.  Perhaps I was upset because earlier yesterday evening I was in group therapy and we were talking about my state of emotions.  When asked where you think you are…in the grieving process, stages of grieving...what stage are you in.  Every week they ask this question of the participants. Every week we all have a different answer.

“Back to the beginning,” was my reply. “It has been a year…you know…my phone has not rang in a year.  I guess I have come to realize Jeff will never come back…my phone will never again ring.”  This recognition…this final acceptance feels like I was sideswiped by a bus!  Although I've known Jeff has been gone, is gone…I really think I have still been waiting for a miracle.  How many miracles did I wait for in the last dozen years?  How many miracles’ were we promised…first by physicians…and lastly by my own mind.   I kept hoping…knowing full well this nightmare I have been living, suffering, is in fact, reality…I kept hoping, I kept dreaming Jeff would be back.  I knew all along Jeff would never be back…yet I still hoped beyond all sanity, or what is left of it.  I still hoped.  How stupid is that?  For a woman like myself…an educated woman…to still pretend there was hope.  Hope, where no matter how much make believe was involved, it still would never change a thing.  How senseless is that?  Me, still hoping against all odds I would wake to find I was having a horrible dream.  

I tossed and turned all night with these thoughts, these thoughts that continue to weigh on my mind.  Missing my son.  Doubting my own identity of being a mother.  Trying to figure out what plans are waiting for me.  In this whole big universe...what plan does this universe have for Olgie.  All night I cried because my fears were more real than ever before...not only am I a woman who lost a child...am I now a woman who is no longer a mother?  Really?  Is this now who I am?  

“Oh my dear God please help me!’  Were the words I once used to ask for help…were the words I used just last night when I laid there in my bed agonizing over my present state of affairs.  “Oh my dear God please help me.”

The same way I know Jeff is gone…I also know there is no God for Olgie.  No angels to hover over me.  Because fact is, the day Jeff died…I was also stripped of being a mother.  This is what we discussed in group…this is what kept me awake all night.  God not only took my son, he also took my legacy.  I anguished all night over this.  

All night I thought about the entire past year…and the many years leading up to Jeff’s death.   This is what full blown grief looks like.  This is what it looks like every day of my life now.  Last night was just another night for me.  Just another night of tossing and turning, another night of sorrow, another night of crying, another night of the same damn thing over and over again.   I cannot tell you how many times I get up during the night…get up and go sit in my corner…in the dark.  When I say to you there are no words to explain this grief…I truly mean that very thing.   There are no words to make you all understand this grief, this sorrow, this vacant feeling in my heart, is not only very real...this sorrow is so damn overwhelming that it conquers my every move, day and night.   Day and night!  I feel like I have been thrown into this dark, damp corner of the universe and now, am unable to find my way back to the light.  to the light...what light?  Truth is...with Jeff gone...there is no light.  Don't you see Jeff was my light...Jeff was my heart.  I am in a dark corner of the universe and...

There is no way out!