Take Me With You!

Take Me With You! 

“Take me with you, Baby.  Please don’t leave me here,” are the words I found myself saying aloud to Jeff last night.  A few days ago I found a poem I had written to Jeff years ago…ever since I have been having a very difficult time readjusting.  I thought I was in a place where I had finally accepted he was gone and I would go on.  But I am telling you this new discovery has been quite challenging for me.  This poem brought back so many feelings of yearning things to go back to where they were when I wrote this poem.  When will this all just stop?  This grief is so damn annoying…I can truly say I am not in the least bit in control of this python grip it has on me.

I recently went to visit Jeff’s family in Colorado and when I returned I thought I had fully accepted his death, his absence.  Now I find myself longing for the past.  I find myself wanting the whole family back as they were prior to his death.  Is that wrong?  I know this will never happen…I am not completely crazy…although there are many times throughout this past year where I actually thought I was ready for the looney pen.  How many other times have these words come out of my mouth?  Or was this the first time I actually said the words.

  

Suicide has cross my mind many, many times…but to say aloud, “Take me with you,” I do not believe I have said this before.  As though Jeff could actually come to me and take me with him.  Oh but I have to say…there have been many days when I would have welcomed him to come and get me!  There have been many days when I would have welcomed death.  I do believe those days of contemplating suicide are in the past…perhaps in my state of despair, in missing Jeff, is why those words escaped my lips.  The funny thing is…

On one hand thoughts of just getting life over with comes with rewards of not having to deal emotionally, with all this heartache.  But I also know it would leave those around me with heartache of their own.  And yet on the other hand…what would I miss if I succumb to my thoughts.  My step-daughter, my grandchildren…and all that life has to offer, both good and bad.  I know life is not supposed to be filled with ‘wine and roses’ but damn it…why does there have to be so damn much heartache!