A Week of Reflection

A Week of Reflection

Jeff has been gone nearly 14 months now.  To put this into perspective this means I have not talked to Jeff in well over a year.  Much has happened this past year.  I guess the most important thing that has happened is my acceptance, my acceptance that this horrible ordeal is in fact a reality and not just a nightmare.  Which also means I acknowledge I will never again talk to my son.  I also acknowledge I will survive this dark passage in my life.  Having said that….

There are still days where I really wish I were dead.  Wish I were dead…not…want to die.  This has been one of those weeks.  Today is just an extension of an ongoing week of truly missing my son.  Not just my son, but everything that surrounded his life.  His family, his wife, his children, their work together.  So much has changed this year.  The kids are now scattered about, Natascha is moving on with her life…as she should…but which also leaves me out of her new life.  With me out of her new life I feel I have lost all that Jeff was.  I feel I have now truly lost the whole family unit as a whole.  Let me explain:

When I talked to Jeff, he usually passed the phone on to his kids and sometimes to Nat if she was home.  So I talked to them quite often….now that Jeff is gone.  The kids will occasionally text…which is what kids do now-a-days….but it is not the same as talking to anyone.  Nowhere near the same.  And before when I sent them gifts, cookies, or whatever…they always called to thank me.  Now I realize it was Jeff who most likely made them call to acknowledge their gifts.  I am not surprised in any way…I just miss the whole family unit as it was.  The Kentucky Derby is scheduled for this weekend…how will I survive watching this horse race without Jeff on the other end of the phone?  If he wasn’t working we would most definitely watch the horse races together.  Each of us sizing up the competition for the horses we picked. I will watch the race…and I will no doubt be thinking of all the races prior to this race.  I know I will recall all the conversations we had during the past races.  

The day Jeff died I knew things would never again be as they were.  I have already been there with Steve’s family…have already been down this path.  It really is a path no one wants to take….but rather one which is forced upon us time and again throughout our lives.  There will be a very minute few people who may never know of what I speak….but for the most part the great majority of you will experience my grief at some point of your lives.  It is almost a guarantee…that many who read this will someday walk in my shoes.  Be careful, because these shoes I wear are very well worn and quite tattered…as is my heart.