What Happens When We Grieve?

What Happens When We Grieve?

With the anniversary of Jeff’s death fast approaching I find I am at times no better off than I was a year ago.  Oh, even though it may at times feel like I am not getting better, I know I am getting better or rather feeling better.  When I say better I am talking about getting better mentally…not necessarily emotionally…but rationally I know I am getting better.  Now having said that I am going to contradict myself and say, although I am feeling better…I really am not doing better.  It doesn’t make sense does it?

It is like this…

I can understand…I intellectually understand I have come a long way in my grieving process…and yet there are still times when my grief will still take over and will make me physically ill with intertwined periods of grief and overwhelming sadness.  Even though there is neither a right nor wrong way to grieve, there is nothing that I can do to stop these ‘grief-stricken take overs.’  It is almost like being hostage to whatever is binding my emotional self and my reactions follow through almost as if on cue.  There are times when I will be so completely distraught that my body will double over and leave me wrenching in absolute sorrow.  And even though I know in my heart, the emotions will pass I still cannot control them.  I still cannot endure the pain within me.  There are still many times I wish that truck would pass in front of me, anything to kill this pain in me, this pain that lives within my vacant heart.  

Day by day I move forward, only to find myself falling back during these emotional periods of bereavement.  I am fast approaching March 11…not the first, but the second anniversary of Jeff’s death.  I cannot believe I have not talk to Jeff in all this time…well that is not exactly true…I do talk to him.  I talk to him all the time…only these days I also answer for him.  My son…my best friend…my confidant…my heart has been gone nearly two years…and it has been nearly two years that my emotions have fluctuated from the very extreme, to mild sadness.

I find it hard to believe I have made it this far…because after my son died, I knew in my heart I would join him in death, yet I am still here above ground, writing down my emotions for the whole damn world to read.  I do not think I would have made it this far without his help, without Steve’s help…from the other side.  There is not a day that goes by…after all this time, there is still not a day that goes by without tears for my son.  I wake up crying, fall asleep crying, I cry on my way to work, I cry at work, and I still cry when I walk.  I don’t think I could stop the tears…even if I tried and I refuse to force myself to stop the tears.  I think it is good for me to show my emotions…I am not afraid, nor am I embarrassed to show anyone my love for my son.  I wasn’t ashamed to show my love for him while he lived…I refuse to wear a mask now, and if it bothers someone, then they can easily get the hell away from me.

In an earlier blog I wrote about the five stages of morning; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  But there is no proof anywhere these stages come in a sequence and then they are gone.  On the contrary, these stages will weave in and out of each other over and over, and in no certain order…which explains my emotions on any given day are much like a roller-coaster.  I suppose it would be different, perhaps easier for me had I lived closer to my siblings, closer to my mother. I try to describe my pain…but even after all this time…there are no words in this vast English language to fully describe this heartache, this void in my heart…no words what-so-ever. 

This is what grieving is like for me and for others who grieve.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  We all think we want to stop grieving so we can get on with our lives, but it is not a personal choice for us to mourn.  These words I write to describe my emotions while I grieve…this is what it is like on a day to day basis…this is how I feel every single day since Jeff has been gone.  I never know what will happen, nor do I know when it will happen.  I could be doing really well and then a memory, a smell, a simple little thing will once again trigger something within me to remind me I am grieving and all at once my emotions will tumble down like a rock-slide.  There at times I have to turn away for a second or two to get my breath back, and then there are times when I have to walk away and just cry aloud.    

As a reminder the loss of a child is not a common grief…the loss of an only child…there are no words.   How is it God allowed me to give birth and devote my entire life to this beautiful person…only to take him away from me?  How is it God allowed me to invest my entire life and then took away my investment of love and devotion, leaving me only memories as a reminder my son will for all time be gone?   I try to understand, I try not to be angry…I try not to blame the almighty, but quite honestly, who is left to blame?