Looking Up The Narrow Path

Looking Up The Narrow Path

As I look at my life without Jeff, as I look back on the path I have traveled I sometimes wonder how it is I have been able to come as far as I have come.  Knowing I have light-years to go with this mourning process…I can now acknowledge I am getting better.  I know from my blogs it probably seems as though I am standing still in my grief, and yes, I do shed tears every single day, but usually only for moments at a time.  I no longer cry hours upon hours.  I am getting better, Jeff would be proud.  He, Jeff, is mystically helping me get through this mourning process, or at least it makes me feel better to think he is helping me.  My son is still my light…my son is still my strength…and I know Jeff would not want this grief to dictate my every move.  I will not be defined by this grief…this emotional take-over of stolen moments from my life will not define me. 

Though I am currently in process of passing through this dark tunnel, I am no longer afraid to look toward the future.  As I travel upward on this path of life I am finally starting to see daylight ahead.  I can now visualize both my men smiling at tunnel’s end.  I have come a long way and upon looking back I now see all the winding roads and the long narrow bridges I have crossed, and even though the roads ahead are still unknown, I know they will never be as dark as the paths I have already traveled.  Little by little, step by step, I am finally able to move onward through this narrow passage of life.  No, this sorrow will not defeat me.  Albeit one step at a time…I know I am winning my battle with this bereavement.  I no longer allow my grief to overtake me…I now give it the time needed to pass…be it a moment or be it an hour, but it does pass.  I no longer succumb to it for hours on end.  This sorrow will no longer define me, I will not allow it. 

  

The one thing Jeff loved about his mother was that she, I, would not give up no matter the circumstances.  It is funny how life will, at times, fall back on itself.  I believe this very thing is happening this very moment as I write.  Just this very moment I remembered how much Jeff admired my strength, and how much he appreciated this ability I had to withstand whatever obstacle popped up before me.  It didn’t matter what it was, in the past I have always managed to talk it out with Jeff, get his advice, think it through, and then figure out a way to get through the problem.  Only now Jeff is not here to advise me, not here physically…but I believe with all there is in me…Jeff is here and he is helping me.  I am sitting here writing, thinking about how far I have come, how far I have yet to go, and knowing Jeff is still here helping me with my emotions, with my thoughts…he is here helping me figure out that I am, without doubt, moving forward in my plight. 

Yes, my son is still here helping me.  I wish I could have him here in the flesh with me, but although he is not physically here and I cannot see him, I have no doubt Jeff is here with me.  He is on another plane, but I now know he will always be nearby.  At least I know he will be with me for as long as I need him.

The other night I dream about Jeff, not that that alone was a big thing because Jeff is continuously in my dreams.  But he is usually just in the background of my dreams.  If I talk to him he acknowledges me in my dreams by nodding, and he always follows along in my dreams.  He nods to let me know he is listening or to let me know he is aware I am talking to him…at lease this has been the way it has always been in all the dreams I have had of him since his death.  But the other night he was interacting with me in my dream.  I do not remember the whole dream itself, but in my dream while he was talking to me…he called me, “Mom.”  Never again did I think I would hear him calling me mom.  More than anything I have missed being called Mom or Mother by Jeff.  It just never occurred to me I would hear him call me ‘Mom’ in my dream.  I will take it!  If that is all I can get…damn straight…I will accept it and love it.  I woke up happy that morning.  I told Dwaine about my dream and about Jeff calling me ‘Mom.’  It was a good dream…I hope to have many more just like it. 

I have been blogging for a year now…an entire year.  I have come a long way from that broken down bereaved woman.  What I didn’t allow myself to realize back then…was that I was not alone.  I still have Jeff by my side… he caressed my knee when he left this world to assure me he would be here for me.  He walks down these narrow corridors of life with me…he listens to my wounded words…Jeff...is still with me, and lends me his strength when I need it.  It has taken me this long to realize he has been with me all along.  It has taken me this long to realize I am not alone.  I love my son.