Where Do I Go From Here?

Where Do I Go From Here?

These days I find myself envisioning what’s next…in my life.  What more can I expect to jump out at me.  Surely I have already experience the worst kind of sorrow, so what’s next.  And if this is true…if I have already experienced the worse kind of sorrow…then anything that comes my way…should be easy, right?  Should I wait for these shoes to drop, and if so, which of these shoes I wear will drop, and how far will it drop?  Where will the future take me, what direction will I, or should I, go?  And why do I worry about it?  If in fact, I have already been through the worst that life has to offer, shouldn’t I be looking forward to the future?  After all it should just be ‘peachy keen’ from now on out…right? 

I wonder what Jeff would think of my thoughts…these crazy thoughts that consume me from time to time.  Do other people have these same thoughts?  Are they, like myself, waiting for the shoe to drop?   I guess there has been enough turmoil in my life for me to know…or perhaps to just assume…there is more coming.  In the event a shoe drops…will I be prepared?  Is anyone really prepared for the unknown?  How many of us ever really think of the future…I am not talking of the future in a sense of where will I be or who will I become…for lack of another word, I am talking about heartache.  Will I ever be prepared for more heartache?  Does one ever prepare themselves for more heartache?  Do people who have had huge emotional loss actually prepare themselves for more sorrow?  Or do they go forward in life knowing the worst kind of emotional pain is behind them? 

No, I don’t think about where I will be, nor do I imagine who I will be…because truth is…I am already someone I do not recognize.  Someone who is much weaker, someone who has already been taken down by others, and who will probably always be a little handicapped in protecting myself over others.  This is who I have already become…a weak individual…someone Jeff would not recognize.  Someone who has had to ask for outside help…because she could not take care of herself.  This is who I am these days.  A weakling…no…Jeff would not be proud of his mother.  I am not proud of Jeff’s mother right now. 

There was a time you know…a time when I could accomplish anything I set out to do.  This was the woman Jeff was so proud about, this was the woman I was prior to losing my son.  Not anymore…don’t get me wrong…I have not given up, but even I have my limitations.  I do believe I have fallen so low that it is just going to be an uphill climb from here on out…I am climbing nonetheless.  It is just hard.  How many times have I written about my corner?  The corner in which I seek refuge…the corner which has thus far kept me relatively safe…the corner which at times has held me hostage.  I use the word ‘hostage,’ because I was unable to tear myself from this corner.  Although I am in a mentally better state of mind…I at times still find myself in this corner.  By now you would think I would be so sick of this damn corner…well truth be told…I most certainly am.  And even though, it is still hard for me to move, little by little…day by day…I am setting my sights in a forward motion.  I really have been moving forth…there are just too many obstacles in my way.  There are days where that motion is more like that of a snail…but even snails move…a little slower maybe, but they still move…as am I.   

Where do I go from here?  This question has gone over my mind many times a day.  I keep thinking I will make my peace with God…I keep thinking I will go to church…but I am not ready to do that yet.  Every once in a while someone will say, “Thank God” for this or that…and I just cringe.  All I can think is I have nothing to thank him for…nothing.  Am I still angry with God?  No, I don’t think I am.  I just cannot bring myself to love him anymore.  I guess I feel he has let me down one time too many…so I let him walk past me…I do not allow him to interfere with my life anymore.  There will be readers of this blog who will disagree…but it does not matter…we are all individuals and I know we will not agree on every little thing in life.  I guess that is how I feel…I just don’t care.  To me, God is nothing more than another little thing in life, and in my case…I just don’t care anymore.  Where do I go from here?  And how will I get there, wherever there is?  Who knows?    

I find myself thinking that much of the time…I just don’t care about many aspects of my life.  Yes I care about my health.  I take care of my health, and try to ensure I am a relatively healthy individual.  But as far as other things surrounding my life…it just does not matter.  I have found out…the hard way…life is just too damn short to worry about the little things in life.  Life is too damn short to worry about people who don’t call me anymore.  Life is just too damn short to worry about stupidity…or people who are too stupid to worry about themselves.  I have found out the hard way if you give too much of yourself…people take advantage and then expect more.  In return, the giver gets minimum at best.  This is the reality that life offers…so consequently…I guess I just don’t care.  I gave and gave and gave to everyone, including God…and in return…am paying the price for my good deeds.  Now isn’t that something to think about?  Am I being cynical…no…just stating a fact.  Perhaps in time things for me will change.  Perhaps in time my outlook in life itself will change.  Perhaps in time when I think about my future…I will be thinking about my future, what life has in stored for me…not what heartache is left for me to endure.