Mother’s Day
What Kind of emotions go through a
mother's mental state after she has lost a child…and Mother’s day
approaches? I can only talk about myself…and maybe about my own
mother.
For my mother, I know she misses her children. She always brings them up in conversation when we talk. On Mother’s day she has expressed missing them more than usual. She has said to me, ‘This day that is supposed to be for children to cherish their mothers feels rather empty…with my children gone I just feel empty. I know I still have you kids here with me, but it doesn’t make up for the ones I lost, nothing makes up for that.”
Unfortunately from my own experience, I know my mother’s grief. But does my mother really know my grief? Oh, don’t get me wrong…she grieves for the sons she lost, but she still has six children here on earth with her. Children she personally carried in her womb. Children she raised through good times and through bad times. We are still here. We talk to her, those that live near her, visit her when they can. I live nearly a thousand miles away, so although I cannot visit as often as I would like, I call her often. She confides in me about her losses. I suppose she feels a kinship of sorts because I too, lost a child. But the difference is, she still has biological children…I lost my only biological child.
The last two Mother’s days were hard for me, but still I went through the motions. Still I smiled, and Tina and I did our thing buying and planting flowers, a tradition of sorts that we have been doing for a number of years now. She buys me flowers, and I buy flowers, and together we dig the old soil out all my flowerpots, add new soil, and plant all our freshly purchased plants. It literally takes the majority of the day, and by days’ end the front and back of my house are both decorated with beautiful arrays of color in each flower container. I love my day with Tina…and yet, I will be thinking about, and missing my Jeff all day. I won't wake up to his voice on the phone. There will be no “Happy Mother's day” from him tomorrow morning. I miss my son.
The last couple weeks have been especially hard for me with this special day approaching. I have been thinking of all the other mothers who have lost children. How do they fare on this day? What state of emotions do they go through? Is their grieving more intense on this day? In my research of this subject I found an article aptly named, “What Grieving Moms Want for Mother’s Day.” This article clearly states what every mother who has lost children want most is “Acknowledgement. They want recognition that they are still mothers even though they have had this tremendous lost.” After I lost Jeff, I questioned my own feelings on whether or not I was still a mother. My emotional state was such that I did not know if I was still a mother. I did not know if others would see me as a mother, or as a woman who lost a child. How would I be viewed by others? I searched for my own answers to this question.
This article came up with the top ten way to reach out to grieving mothers on this albeit special, to a grieving mother is a very difficult day.
For my mother, I know she misses her children. She always brings them up in conversation when we talk. On Mother’s day she has expressed missing them more than usual. She has said to me, ‘This day that is supposed to be for children to cherish their mothers feels rather empty…with my children gone I just feel empty. I know I still have you kids here with me, but it doesn’t make up for the ones I lost, nothing makes up for that.”
Unfortunately from my own experience, I know my mother’s grief. But does my mother really know my grief? Oh, don’t get me wrong…she grieves for the sons she lost, but she still has six children here on earth with her. Children she personally carried in her womb. Children she raised through good times and through bad times. We are still here. We talk to her, those that live near her, visit her when they can. I live nearly a thousand miles away, so although I cannot visit as often as I would like, I call her often. She confides in me about her losses. I suppose she feels a kinship of sorts because I too, lost a child. But the difference is, she still has biological children…I lost my only biological child.
The last two Mother’s days were hard for me, but still I went through the motions. Still I smiled, and Tina and I did our thing buying and planting flowers, a tradition of sorts that we have been doing for a number of years now. She buys me flowers, and I buy flowers, and together we dig the old soil out all my flowerpots, add new soil, and plant all our freshly purchased plants. It literally takes the majority of the day, and by days’ end the front and back of my house are both decorated with beautiful arrays of color in each flower container. I love my day with Tina…and yet, I will be thinking about, and missing my Jeff all day. I won't wake up to his voice on the phone. There will be no “Happy Mother's day” from him tomorrow morning. I miss my son.
The last couple weeks have been especially hard for me with this special day approaching. I have been thinking of all the other mothers who have lost children. How do they fare on this day? What state of emotions do they go through? Is their grieving more intense on this day? In my research of this subject I found an article aptly named, “What Grieving Moms Want for Mother’s Day.” This article clearly states what every mother who has lost children want most is “Acknowledgement. They want recognition that they are still mothers even though they have had this tremendous lost.” After I lost Jeff, I questioned my own feelings on whether or not I was still a mother. My emotional state was such that I did not know if I was still a mother. I did not know if others would see me as a mother, or as a woman who lost a child. How would I be viewed by others? I searched for my own answers to this question.
This article came up with the top ten way to reach out to grieving mothers on this albeit special, to a grieving mother is a very difficult day.
- “Recognize they are a mother: Offer a hug, or send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother.
- Acknowledge they had a loss: Say, “I know this must be a difficult day for you, but I want you to know I am thinking about you.”
- Use their child's name in conversation: People rarely speak the child's name anymore, but when they do it is like music to my ears.
- Plant a living memorial: A tree, rose bush...these will grow in beauty as years pass.
- Visit the grave site: Many mothers really liked when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or pebbles near the headstone.
- Light a candle: Let the mother kn ow you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's day.
- Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and a favorite memory with them.”
- Send a gift of remembrance: Mothers felt a small gift would be comforting, such as; angel statue, picture frame, book, or anything personal.
- Don't try to minimize the loss: Avoid clichés; God needed another angel or You still have healthy children.
- Encourage self-care: Important for 'healing the mind and spirit' according to several mothers. Give a day-spa certificate, etc.”
I
truly miss my old life...my life with my son...and this is especially true on holidays or
special occasions. These last few weeks have been most difficult
when I returned home from work. I have been trying to stay busy working in the yard. I've been trying to keep my mind focused on other things...but still I end up thinking about yesterdays. I know in my heart this current situation I am in
is the exception and not the rule. A parent is not suppose to
outlive their child...it is just not the way life was intended. Yet here I am, suffering like countless others who have lost children. No, life was not meant for a parent to outlive their child. I often feel I was cheated at life...I think back to a happier time in my life...and it makes me sad to know I will never have that 'happily ever after' that other women have. There was a time in my life when I was truly happy...I now know I will never have that again.
https://www.griefwatch.com/what-grieving-moms-want-for-mothers-day
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