Death Is Only The End of A Chapter

Death: Is Only The End Of A Chapter

Really? Is this all death comes down to, just another chapter in someone’s life?  Hell NO!  I was doing research online and came across this website which has me fuming.  In the site counselors give grief advice...a father wrote in to get advice on the loss of his son.

I am so angry right now…angry that this person who is supposed to give advice, has taken it upon himself to tell a grieving father that his son was only a chapter in his life.  Absolutely not!  When we talk about chapters in our life, we talk about changing a job, a hobby, a phase, something that we know will pass and then we go on to something else.  But for someone to say a child who died was just a chapter in our lives…to me…is absolutely unbelievable and unforgivable!  Yes I am angry right now.  

The father writes in to say he cannot get over his son’s death…his grieving has taken over his life…(I can sincerely say, I have at times echoed this man’s emotions).  The adviser of this website started giving him the same advice many counselors would have given, have given me and countless others who mourn their children.  But he then ends his response by writing, “One last thought Army Ranger: death is only the end of a chapter.”  Seriously?  I wonder what that poor grief-stricken father must have thought, because I guarantee you any good advice that was written before this last sentence was forgotten by the father.   I can assure you readers of this blog that the father was horrified with this last statement.  His son of 26 years, the boy he raised, the man he now mourns…according to Bob the advisor of this website…is or was nothing more than a chapter in the father’s life!

If this ‘Bob’ is thinking Jeff was just a chapter in my life…then he is absolutely mistaken.  Jeff, as was the Army Ranger’s son…was my life.  Jeff was the core of my life.  The ’core of my life’ means he was the most important part of my life.  And if children are the most important part of any parent’s life…does that say they are not merely a chapter in our lives?  

When I think of a chapter I think of going through different phases of a life.  Take my job for instance…I just left one job for another…that last job I left will at some point be nothing more than a little chapter in this long life I live.  When I am 100 years old and I look back into the years of my life, I will see all the little areas of my life which were at one time important, but are now nothing more than my past.  My son…my dead son…will never be unimportant in my life.  He will always be a part of my life.  He was a part of my life while he was alive…he is a part of my life even though he is dead.  No, he is not now, nor will he ever be a little chapter in my life.    

I remember I was going through financial difficulties and a friend said to me….”Olgie at some point, you will look back in life and all this will just be a ‘blink’ in your life.”  A blink!  She was not talking about Jeff, I was going through a time in my life where keeping up with my finances were difficult, and this was her way of making me feel better.  She was right in saying this because going through various stages of life are far different than going through a bereavement process.   

Losing a loved one is not the end of a chapter…losing a loved one…losing a child, especially an adult child who has been an enormous part of your life…is more like the beginning of a new life.  A life without happiness, a life without your best friend, a life without love…and a life without the happiness you once knew.  losing a child is not the 'end of a chapter.' On the contrary...it is more like the end of your very own life.    

The fact that this 'Bob' could be so insensitive and callused tells me he has not had the personal experience of losing anyone close to him.  Believe me, his attitude would be completely different.  Oh, the things I could say to this ‘Bob’ had he been in my presence…believe me...they would not be pleasant.

Hi Doob

May 6, 2015

 

Doobie,  

             

There are so many days that are just hard.  Mother’s day is one of them.  I been thinking about you a lot lately Doobie…surely because Mother’s day is tapping on my shoulders.  Or maybe just because I miss you so very much.  If only you knew how very much you are missed, maybe you would come visit me more often.  I hate these empty arms of mine.  How I wish you were near so I could wrap them around you.  I would hug you and never let go.  Do you know that Doobie…do you truly know how much you are missed?  Do you know how very much you are still loved?  

Every day that goes by is one more day without your love.   Every day that goes by…is one more day without talking to you.  That is what my life is like these days Doob.  I sit and think of you.  Wondering what happened.  Wondering what could have been…just plain sitting and thinking about you.  I was working out in your Serenity Garden the other night…crying aloud…and wishing you were here.  I am alone most of the time Doob.  Everyone is gone.  Everyone.  I am alone…or at least I feel alone…even when I am not alone, I feel alone.  Does that make sense honey?  I’m sure this must have been how you felt in those last days of your life.  Alone. 

Have I ever told you, you are my hero…were my hero.  In all your struggles, you never complained.  You just sucked it in.  You never allowed me to hear you cry…although I know you did.  The same way I now suffer…I know you suffered.  This is why I am not at peace with God…because of the way he made you suffer.  Never allowing you to have one moment’s peace by taking your health away bit by bit…blow after blow…one disease after another.   This is how I now suffer.  The same way you thought of your upcoming death…your life without the kids, your life without me…this is the life I now have.  Empty.  My life is now empty.  My arms are empty…my heart is empty. 

So on this Mother’s day I, like so many other grieving mothers will go through the motions.  We will smile when someone says, ‘happy Mother’s day.’  We will go through the motions of enjoying the day…but deep down we will be missing the children who left this earth far too soon.  How many mothers have suffered without their children in their lives?  How many mothers will endure the empty feeling in their heart this Mother’s day?  I can only assume they like myself have suffered day after day.  

You were my hero baby, and now with you gone…without you, I have no wings…I have no heart…I have no protector.  I have tumbled from that pedestal you had me on…without you I have no life.   

~Mom

Mother's Day 2015

Mother’s Day

What Kind of emotions go through a mother's mental state after she has lost a child…and Mother’s day approaches? I can only talk about myself…and maybe about my own mother.

For my mother, I know she misses her children. She always brings them up in conversation when we talk. On Mother’s day she has expressed missing them more than usual. She has said to me, ‘This day that is supposed to be for children to cherish their mothers feels rather empty…with my children gone I just feel empty. I know I still have you kids here with me, but it doesn’t make up for the ones I lost, nothing makes up for that.” 

Unfortunately from my own experience, I know my mother’s grief. But does my mother really know my grief? Oh, don’t get me wrong…she grieves for the sons she lost, but she still has six children here on earth with her. Children she personally carried in her womb. Children she raised through good times and through bad times. We are still here. We talk to her, those that live near her, visit her when they can. I live nearly a thousand miles away, so although I cannot visit as often as I would like, I call her often. She confides in me about her losses. I suppose she feels a kinship of sorts because I too, lost a child. But the difference is, she still has biological children…I lost my only biological child. 

The last two Mother’s days were hard for me, but still I went through the motions. Still I smiled, and Tina and I did our thing buying and planting flowers, a tradition of sorts that we have been doing for a number of years now. She buys me flowers, and I buy flowers, and together we dig the old soil out all my flowerpots, add new soil, and plant all our freshly purchased plants. It literally takes the majority of the day, and by days’ end the front and back of my house are both decorated with beautiful arrays of color in each flower container. I love my day with Tina…and yet, I will be thinking about, and missing my Jeff all day. I won't wake up to his voice on the phone. There will be no “Happy Mother's day” from him tomorrow morning. I miss my son.

The last couple weeks have been especially hard for me with this special day approaching. I have been thinking of all the other mothers who have lost children. How do they fare on this day? What state of emotions do they go through? Is their grieving more intense on this day? In my research of this subject I found an article aptly named, “What Grieving Moms Want for Mother’s Day.” This article clearly states what every mother who has lost children want most is “Acknowledgement. They want recognition that they are still mothers even though they have had this tremendous lost.” After I lost Jeff, I questioned my own feelings on whether or not I was still a mother. My emotional state was such that I did not know if I was still a mother. I did not know if others would see me as a mother, or as a woman who lost a child. How would I be viewed by others? I searched for my own answers to this question.

This article came up with the top ten way to reach out to grieving mothers on this albeit special, to a grieving mother is a very difficult day.

1. “Recognize they are a mother: Offer a hug, or send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother.

   
   

2. Acknowledge they had a loss: Say, “I know this must be a difficult day for you, but I want you to know I am thinking about you.”

   
   

3. Use their child's name in conversation: People rarely speak the child's name anymore, but when they do it is like music to my ears.

   
   

4. Plant a living memorial: A tree, rose bush...these will grow in beauty as years pass.

   
   

5. Visit the grave site: Many mothers really liked when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or pebbles near the headstone.

   
   

6. Light a candle: Let the mother kn ow you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's day.

   
   

7. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and a favorite memory with them.”

   
   

8. Send a gift of remembrance: Mothers felt a small gift would be comforting, such as; angel statue, picture frame, book, or anything personal.

   
   

9. Don't try to minimize the loss: Avoid clichés; God needed another angel or You still have healthy children.

   
   

10. Encourage self-care: Important for 'healing the mind and spirit' according to several mothers. Give a day-spa certificate, etc.”

    
    

 

I truly miss my old life...my life with my son...and this is especially true on holidays or special occasions. These last few weeks have been most difficult when I returned home from work. I have been trying to stay busy working in the yard.  I've been trying to keep my mind focused on other things...but still I end up thinking about yesterdays. I know in my heart this current situation I am in is the exception and not the rule. A parent is not suppose to outlive their child...it is just not the way life was intended. Yet here I am, suffering like countless others who have lost children.  No, life was not meant for a parent to outlive their child.  I often feel I was cheated at life...I think back to a happier time in my life...and it makes me sad to know I will never have that 'happily ever after' that other women have.  There was a time in my life when I was truly happy...I now know I will never have that again.   

https://www.griefwatch.com/what-grieving-moms-want-for-mothers-day