Hi Doob

May 6, 2015

 

Doobie,  

             

There are so many days that are just hard.  Mother’s day is one of them.  I been thinking about you a lot lately Doobie…surely because Mother’s day is tapping on my shoulders.  Or maybe just because I miss you so very much.  If only you knew how very much you are missed, maybe you would come visit me more often.  I hate these empty arms of mine.  How I wish you were near so I could wrap them around you.  I would hug you and never let go.  Do you know that Doobie…do you truly know how much you are missed?  Do you know how very much you are still loved?  

Every day that goes by is one more day without your love.   Every day that goes by…is one more day without talking to you.  That is what my life is like these days Doob.  I sit and think of you.  Wondering what happened.  Wondering what could have been…just plain sitting and thinking about you.  I was working out in your Serenity Garden the other night…crying aloud…and wishing you were here.  I am alone most of the time Doob.  Everyone is gone.  Everyone.  I am alone…or at least I feel alone…even when I am not alone, I feel alone.  Does that make sense honey?  I’m sure this must have been how you felt in those last days of your life.  Alone. 

Have I ever told you, you are my hero…were my hero.  In all your struggles, you never complained.  You just sucked it in.  You never allowed me to hear you cry…although I know you did.  The same way I now suffer…I know you suffered.  This is why I am not at peace with God…because of the way he made you suffer.  Never allowing you to have one moment’s peace by taking your health away bit by bit…blow after blow…one disease after another.   This is how I now suffer.  The same way you thought of your upcoming death…your life without the kids, your life without me…this is the life I now have.  Empty.  My life is now empty.  My arms are empty…my heart is empty. 

So on this Mother’s day I, like so many other grieving mothers will go through the motions.  We will smile when someone says, ‘happy Mother’s day.’  We will go through the motions of enjoying the day…but deep down we will be missing the children who left this earth far too soon.  How many mothers have suffered without their children in their lives?  How many mothers will endure the empty feeling in their heart this Mother’s day?  I can only assume they like myself have suffered day after day.  

You were my hero baby, and now with you gone…without you, I have no wings…I have no heart…I have no protector.  I have tumbled from that pedestal you had me on…without you I have no life.   

~Mom