Am I Ready?

Am I Ready?

This morning I woke from the nicest dream…I dreamt I was with Jeff.  We were shopping together.  In my dream, we were having a good time, we were talking, we were laughing, and he was calling me ‘Mom.’  In my dream we were walking through the mall and Jeff was not using a cane, he did not seem to be in pain, and he did not appear to be medicated.  We were in the mall returning clothing that did not fit. When we gave the bag to the clerk, she pulled out the clothes and, as it turned out, the clothes we returned were worn and dirty!  And they were underwear…a whole bag full of old used underwear!  As soon as we realized we were returning dirty underwear Jeff and I both broke out in laughter.  It was great laughing with my son again.  His face was beaming from ear to ear, and his beautiful white teeth were showing as he laughed.  I am not sure how long we were laughing in my dream but I do know when the alarm went off at 4:30 for me to get up for work I woke up laughing…aloud.  

For the first time in ages I woke up laughing.  I laid in bed laughing from the pit of my belly, and I did not want to do anything to disturb my thoughts of this dream.  I wanted to lay there as long as possible.  I wanted to rewind Jeff’s voice over and over in my mind…it doesn’t even matter the nature or content of the dream…I just wanted to lay and listen to my baby’s voice in my head.  I wanted to hear him laugh again, I wanted to rewind the smile on his face.  I laid there for what seemed like an eternity.  It was a great dream…my son and I just having a good time.  I rested there remembering my dream whilst the minutes ticked by, one at a time.  I wasn’t aware how long I laid there, and I guess it didn’t really matter because ultimately, reality set in…I had no choice but to jump out of bed to get ready for work.

As I went about my day at work I thought about my dream a lot, and I have come to realize I did not cry while reminiscing my dream about Jeff.  Not once today did I cry.  Not once.  I had a smile on my face throughout the day thinking about the dream…laughing to myself, and thinking about Jeff.  I hear Jeff over and over laughing, calling me ‘Mom,’ and in my dream he was not in pain.  He was the old Jeff, and for the first time in my dreams of Jeff…he was not with his father.  It was just he and I, enjoying each other, and having a good time. I can finally appreciate Jeff’s visits in my head, in my thoughts without crying.  Not that crying is a bad thing…

No, crying when one passes is a form of healing.  I now realize with each tear that was shed, I was healing emotionally, one tear at a time.   I have come a very long way in this passage of life.  I have climbed so many, not hills…but mountains on route to getting healthier, not only mentally, but also physically.  I am finally recovering mentally, and I now know it.  Don’t get me wrong…I know there will still be obstacles in my path…but little by little I am getting better. 

I have given this day much thought…this day…of realization.  Understanding that I am on my way to being Olgie…or whoever Olgie, (as fate would have it), was always meant to be.  Thus far I was Robin’s best friend, I was Steve’s wife, and I was Manuel, Slobby and Gabrail’s sister...and I was Jeff’s mother.  What I just today realized is I am still the same person, yet at the same time, I am so very different.  I guess it is time for me to find out who I am left to be.  I already know I will never be the woman all these people I loved knew.  I have changed so very much…I have lost much of who I once was, and with time will no doubt continue to change.  As I ponder my life today I have asked myself over and over, “Who am I now?”  

I am not sure who I am, nor am I sure how much of Olgie, the old Olgie, is left in me.  I believe there are still parts of me which will always be the same…well…I think so anyway.  I think I have finally reach a cross road…in this life.  I am neither happy nor sad.  I just am.  And…  

I am finally ready…finally ready to get on with life…to figure out who the new Olgie is supposed to be.  I figure the only true way to find out is to just go about my life and live…or at least try to live as normal a life as I possibly can.  Life’s roads have many detours and I will, at some point down the road, understand the reasons for the upheaval in my life.  I sincerely believe, the reasons behind the multitudes of mountains God set in my path, will one day be realized.  For now I will walk down this trail of mine with my head held high.  I am determined to jump over the barriers which will no doubt be set on my path.  Perhaps all those narrow roads and those many bridges were set in life’s road to make me a stronger person…if so…I can only hope I have become a stronger person…but only time will tell.  I am optimistic I will at some time come out a more resilient individual, however, until that day comes I will take life and whatever it offers for the moment, I will live to the best of my ability and I will strive to be a better person.  In all this…I also know those who have left me behind, the very people I have grieved in my blogs, have loved and still love...are smiling down on me.  Finally...I am ready to live.