Jeff's 38th Birthday

Jeff's 38th Birthday
Today would have been Jeff's 38th birthday.  How many more of these days will I endure?  A birthday, is a day which should be celebrated...not mourned.  I have thought little else for days.  Does anyone even know how special this day was...still is, to me?  Does anyone even care?  This more than anything bothers me...does anyone, anyone other than me...care that Jeff died?  Stupid of me to even think such a thing I know, but nonetheless, I still have such thoughts.
  
I heard from Natascha today...not that I don't hear from her throughout the rest of the year...but today it makes me feel good that she remembered Jeff.  And I know she remembers how very close we were...I know she feels my pain today.  Nothing was said about Jeff, she just wanted to know how I was doing.  Of all the people in my life...my siblings, Jeff's siblings, my dear friends, none of them remembered Jeff’s birthday.  Natascha, my daughter-in-law, was the only one who acknowledged my son's absence today.
       
I miss my son, perhaps more now than when he first passed.  You see, today is the third birthday I have celebrated or rather...endured...without Jeff here on earth.  I’ve had much time to reflect on the days of his youth.   On many occasions I have had so many good thoughts about his accomplishments, and about the love he had for me and his family…but…not a day goes by where I haven’t thought about his illnesses…one...after another.  More than anything I have had two and a half years to brood over what ‘has been', what ‘could have been', and the horrific ‘what ifs.’  All of those horrible thoughts of ‘what if this' or 'what if that?'  There are always so many positive conclusions in our innermost thoughts to those 'what ifs'...but reality is, nothing could have changed the outcome.
 
My Jeff would still be gone.  I would still be here today remembering his birth, deep in thoughts of times past.  I know I have written this before...but...life can be cruel for those of us who survive, those of us who grieve our dead.   It is on days like today that I am awakened to the fact he truly is gone.  From time to time my memory is jogged about his death…from time to time my memory is hit hard about the way he suffered.  Today I remember my dream of a few weeks ago.  My dream where Jeff and I were having fun, laughing aloud.  I remember my dream where he walked without pain and had no tremors.  

Today I am both sadden by his death…and so proud of the life he lived.  He accomplished much in the short time given him…….and man oh man…..he loved his parents!  This memory will always be in my heart.  My son has given me many signs he lives in spirit…my son has given me many signs he is here to help me grieve…my son in all his pain was a man among men.  My son lives in my heart!