I Now Recognize My Pain; But Do I Understand It?

I Recognize My Pain; But Do I Understand It?

As I reflect back on these last years without Steve, without Jeff…I cannot even begin to describe the changes that have taken place in my life, and especially within my own mindset.  First I should say how very much I still miss Jeff, and oh yes I do miss Steve…but Steve’s absence is so much different.  The loss of my husband, as hard as it was, is so completely different than the loss of my son.  

The pain I have in my heart every single minute of every single day, from Jeff’s loss, does not go away.  Jeff is in my thoughts constantly.  No matter what I am doing, Jeff is in my thoughts…on my mind…and in my heart.  I don’t think my family and friends realize the devastation this loss left on me.  They, my family/friends, were all by my side when I went through Steve’s loss.  They have all seen the toll Steve’s death took on me.  And they were also there to witness my determination to move forward in spite of Steve’s passing.  In this loss of my son…they, my family and friends, I believe are expecting me to behave in the same manner as in Steve’s passing.  They do not understand my day to day struggles with Jeff’s loss.  They do not, nor can they comprehend, the irrefutable emptiness…the hole…left in my life with Jeff gone.   It is impossible!  Any parent who has mourned the loss of a child, especially a parent who has grieved the death of their only child…would be having the same difficulty getting back to life as I now have.

My life, which was once filled with love, is now an empty shell of that life of long ago…that life, which now seems like a dream or perhaps even a figment of my own imagination...is surely missed.  When I look back on my old life I sometimes find myself wondering if it really did happen…you know, all the happy times, filled with family and friends.  What happened to that life?  Where did all the players of that life go?  All the holidays, summer bar-b-ques, game nights, grandkids, karaoke…what happened to that life?  There has been far too much sorrow in the last decade of my life…far too many deaths.  My life which was once as full as I desired it to be, is now jam-packed with countless hours of loneliness.   I at times wonder how my life came to be…so empty.  As lonely as I was after Steve’s passing…I at least had Jeff in my life.  He was the one constant I had to help me mentally, emotionally, and at times even financially.  He, Jeff…my only biological child…was my life.

This past year has really taken a toll on me.  There was nothing but negativity in my life…all year, one thing after another.  I suppose this may be the reason for this reflection now.  The holidays came and left…without decorations, without company, without laughter, without love.  I know it is an absurdity thinking I can retrieve anything from my old life, but I feel I still have to try, which is the most ridiculous thing because it would involve bringing back all the players, including those for whom I mourn.  If only I could…if only I could bring the ones back whom I miss most.  If only that was possible... 

Every day I continue to put forth effort to keep moving forward…unfortunately life itself has obstacles…sometimes, far too many hurdles to jump across.  This is what my life has been the entirety of last year.  One negative person, after another, dumping their garbage on me. One hurdle after another landed in my path and has really had an effect on my emotions…on my life.   It just seemed that with each of these events, everyone involved was trying to do their best to knock me down, which has now left me with a feeling of gasping for air.  It has made be feel as though I cannot breathe...like I am drowning...and no one is there to help pull me out of the water.  

So many negative thoughts continue to fill my mind.  So many ‘big trucks’ keep passing through my mind.   I have decided to go back to therapy…even if it is for a short while, I feel I need my therapist…Heather…to get my mind back on path.  There is no doubt I need her to get me back headed in the right direction.  Heather has been my ‘salvation’ during this entire episode of my life.  Without her listening to me, talking to me, helping me realize there is a light at tunnel’s end, and without her friendship…I do believe I would have found that ‘big truck’ long ago. 

Have you ever gotten suckered by someone?  Really suckered…believed in them wholeheartedly…only to find out everything about them, everything they represented about themselves…their person, their beliefs…everything…was a lie.  What do you do in a case like this?  Do you dump them like a hot potato?  What do you do if that person is related to you?  What do you do if that person is the closest one to your heart?  This is some of the negativity in my life now.  How I wish my son was here to help me in this…this decision I now need to make.  My instincts tell me to run…run, as fast as I can…in the opposite direction.  I have no one to go to with what I found out…I am not even sure my therapist can help me with this one.  This negativity in my life is so great…huge!  The one positive person I held nearest my heart is now one of the people I have negative thoughts about, and it has weighed so heavy on my heart.  My whole world, the world I knew...has now exploded. 

This, this beginning of a new year…should have been the beginning of me healing from a year of heartache and negativity, and has instead began with many negative memories from my past and with new negative findings.  That ‘big truck’ from which I have been running away, is getting nearer and nearer to me all the time.  There was a time I really wanted to drive straight into the path of that oncoming truck…and now I feel myself longing for that truck again…

“Doobie, are you reading my thoughts?  Please help me.  I am not sure I can get through this one.  After everything I have been through…why this?  Why now?  Help me baby. Please tell me what to do...where do I go from here?  I need your help.  What have I done...what have I done to deserve this treatment by others?  When will this stop...this pain, when will it stop?”  …Mom