Where Do I Go From Here?

Where Do I Go From Here?

These days I find myself envisioning what’s next…in my life.  What more can I expect to jump out at me.  Surely I have already experience the worst kind of sorrow, so what’s next.  And if this is true…if I have already experienced the worse kind of sorrow…then anything that comes my way…should be easy, right?  Should I wait for these shoes to drop, and if so, which of these shoes I wear will drop, and how far will it drop?  Where will the future take me, what direction will I, or should I, go?  And why do I worry about it?  If in fact, I have already been through the worst that life has to offer, shouldn’t I be looking forward to the future?  After all it should just be ‘peachy keen’ from now on out…right? 

I wonder what Jeff would think of my thoughts…these crazy thoughts that consume me from time to time.  Do other people have these same thoughts?  Are they, like myself, waiting for the shoe to drop?   I guess there has been enough turmoil in my life for me to know…or perhaps to just assume…there is more coming.  In the event a shoe drops…will I be prepared?  Is anyone really prepared for the unknown?  How many of us ever really think of the future…I am not talking of the future in a sense of where will I be or who will I become…for lack of another word, I am talking about heartache.  Will I ever be prepared for more heartache?  Does one ever prepare themselves for more heartache?  Do people who have had huge emotional loss actually prepare themselves for more sorrow?  Or do they go forward in life knowing the worst kind of emotional pain is behind them? 

No, I don’t think about where I will be, nor do I imagine who I will be…because truth is…I am already someone I do not recognize.  Someone who is much weaker, someone who has already been taken down by others, and who will probably always be a little handicapped in protecting myself over others.  This is who I have already become…a weak individual…someone Jeff would not recognize.  Someone who has had to ask for outside help…because she could not take care of herself.  This is who I am these days.  A weakling…no…Jeff would not be proud of his mother.  I am not proud of Jeff’s mother right now. 

There was a time you know…a time when I could accomplish anything I set out to do.  This was the woman Jeff was so proud about, this was the woman I was prior to losing my son.  Not anymore…don’t get me wrong…I have not given up, but even I have my limitations.  I do believe I have fallen so low that it is just going to be an uphill climb from here on out…I am climbing nonetheless.  It is just hard.  How many times have I written about my corner?  The corner in which I seek refuge…the corner which has thus far kept me relatively safe…the corner which at times has held me hostage.  I use the word ‘hostage,’ because I was unable to tear myself from this corner.  Although I am in a mentally better state of mind…I at times still find myself in this corner.  By now you would think I would be so sick of this damn corner…well truth be told…I most certainly am.  And even though, it is still hard for me to move, little by little…day by day…I am setting my sights in a forward motion.  I really have been moving forth…there are just too many obstacles in my way.  There are days where that motion is more like that of a snail…but even snails move…a little slower maybe, but they still move…as am I.   

Where do I go from here?  This question has gone over my mind many times a day.  I keep thinking I will make my peace with God…I keep thinking I will go to church…but I am not ready to do that yet.  Every once in a while someone will say, “Thank God” for this or that…and I just cringe.  All I can think is I have nothing to thank him for…nothing.  Am I still angry with God?  No, I don’t think I am.  I just cannot bring myself to love him anymore.  I guess I feel he has let me down one time too many…so I let him walk past me…I do not allow him to interfere with my life anymore.  There will be readers of this blog who will disagree…but it does not matter…we are all individuals and I know we will not agree on every little thing in life.  I guess that is how I feel…I just don’t care.  To me, God is nothing more than another little thing in life, and in my case…I just don’t care anymore.  Where do I go from here?  And how will I get there, wherever there is?  Who knows?    

I find myself thinking that much of the time…I just don’t care about many aspects of my life.  Yes I care about my health.  I take care of my health, and try to ensure I am a relatively healthy individual.  But as far as other things surrounding my life…it just does not matter.  I have found out…the hard way…life is just too damn short to worry about the little things in life.  Life is too damn short to worry about people who don’t call me anymore.  Life is just too damn short to worry about stupidity…or people who are too stupid to worry about themselves.  I have found out the hard way if you give too much of yourself…people take advantage and then expect more.  In return, the giver gets minimum at best.  This is the reality that life offers…so consequently…I guess I just don’t care.  I gave and gave and gave to everyone, including God…and in return…am paying the price for my good deeds.  Now isn’t that something to think about?  Am I being cynical…no…just stating a fact.  Perhaps in time things for me will change.  Perhaps in time my outlook in life itself will change.  Perhaps in time when I think about my future…I will be thinking about my future, what life has in stored for me…not what heartache is left for me to endure.

Second Anniversary of Jeff’s Death

Second Anniversary of Jeff’s Death 

How do I describe my emotions after two years without Jeff?  With the second anniversary of Jeff’s death knocking on my door I find myself once again going to that dark place…that dark place in my head that has so many negative thoughts…that place where my memories are nothing but heartache.  I am trying hard to be positive, trying hard to focus on good aspects of my life…truth is…there just aren’t very many positive facets surrounding my life these days.  The few areas of my life that are coming together are the areas that I am focusing on, or at least where I am now trying to concentrate.   

When I think back at all those dark days, those dark emotions…they make me cry all over again.  They immediately bring back all the same emotions almost as though I had just heard about Jeff’s death from my grandson.  I still do not remember getting home that day.  I remember I was driving and I remember pulling over, but I don’t remember getting home.

Actually I do not remember much about those first few days…but I do remember the heartache…I do remember the emotions…I do remember that long arduous drive to Colorado.  All I wanted to do was jump out of the vehicle and run.  I remember that, I just wanted to run…I wanted to jump out of the car and just run…I wanted to run far away from the reality of the news of my son’s death.  I wanted to run away from this nightmare.  But it wasn’t a dream, it truly was in fact the reality of my life.  The only child I ever conceived, the only child I ever carried for all those months, the child I raise for all those years was forever taken from my life.  I try not to think about those days…but with this anniversary tapping on my shoulders…all I can think about are the events of those early days without Jeff. 

I still cannot fathom how I survived that incredibly deep-seated sorrow.  Those days of such profound despair that seemed as though my heart was ripped from my chest.  How did I survive?  If not for the help of my therapist, and these writings, I most definitely would not have endured those days, and most especially those long lonely nights.  To this day this is the toughest part of my life.  Lying in bed at night…this is most difficult for me, perhaps because I could always count on Jeff calling me at all hours of the night.  He couldn’t sleep due to some sort of sleep disorder, which was related to the Parkinson’s disease from which he suffered.  I look back on his health over the years and I now see how many of his illnesses were related to this awful disease.  How did I not see that while Jeff was young?  I have thought about that a lot.  How did I know my son had this horrible disease?  These thoughts are hard not to focus on but I try to push through them.  Some days are just harder than others.  

 
I believe Jeff knows the goings on in my life, the good areas of my life as well as the areas that need improving.  I truly believe he is here with me helping me along this dusty old trail of life.  There are just too many things that have transpired during these last two years that make it impossible to believe he is not here.  And NO…I do not mean here on earth in present tense…but here somewhere on another plane, but here nonetheless.  Knowing he is still here is what has helped me cope with the loneliness.  And has helped me survive the long hours as the clock ticks one second at a time, during the night where I just lay there and think about his absence, and where I still have my phone at the ready.  No, I am no longer waiting for the phone to ring…although I truly wish it would.  How I wish his voice would be on the other end each time I answer the phone when it rings.  How I wish I could receive just one more texts message from him.  How I wish I still had his unconditional love…the kind of love I will never again experience from anyone here on earth.  How I wish… 

As I type these words, tears race each other down my cheeks and down both sides of my nose.  They roll down my face as though in a hurry to reach the end of my chin…racing down my face, as if in a hurry to form a large enough droplet to dangle before they fall, and as if in a race an occasional tear will make its way down the tip of my nose before it drops down on the keyboard, each leaving a trail of salt on my skin.  How many tears have found their way to this keyboard?  How many countless tears have been shed over the loss of my son?  I sometimes wonder if I am the only person who still cries for Jeff, who misses him, who still remembers him, and who still loves him…  How many more days will I cry for my son? 

After Jeff died, I felt my life had no passion, was without love.  Day after day, I would shower, dress, drive to work, and go through the motions of everyday life…and now, I am still here…two years later…showering, getting dressed, driving to work, and still going through the motions of everyday life.  There are days where I think my life is at a standstill...but I know I am in a better mental state.  I know my life is finally headed in the right direction.  I do however miss that unconditional love given me by Jeff.  I can honestly say I miss Jeff no less today than I did the day he perished.  My sorrow is nowhere near as painful as it was two years ago, but his absence has not gone unnoticed, and is not without merit, not for one moment.  In everything I do, in all my thoughts, my son still weighs heavy on my mind.  I sometimes wonder if that will ever change.  If I am driving I am thinking about Jeff.  When I cook I think about Jeff.  The other night I was flipping channels to see what was on TV when I came across boxing, as though a queue for my sorrow the tears instantly poured down my face…and my thoughts were of the countless moments Jeff and I spent on the phone watching sports on TV together.  That night my conversation was with Jeff, even though he was nowhere in sight.  I was still speaking to him about the fight on TV…as though he actually was in the room with me.  He loved to watch sports with me, boxing, horse racing, and Boise State football!  Oh how I miss those days.  What I wouldn’t give to have just one moment with Jeff, just one. 

Why didn’t I call Jeff that morning he died?  I wanted to call him.  My intentions were to call him, yet I kept putting it off…and for what?  For a stupid meeting!  I live with that decision.  That very weekend I knew, I knew deep down I would be losing Jeff, no, I did not know when…I only knew it would be soon.  I should have called him. I wonder how many parents who lose children know in advance of their child’s upcoming death, just as I knew that weekend…that I would be losing Jeff soon.  How many of these parents had the very sensations as I did…the knowledge, that deep down gut intuition…that they would very soon be losing their child. 

 
If Jeff were here today he would say to me, “Don’t be ridiculous Mother, you didn’t know I was going to die.  How could you know?”   

This is what keeps me going…I spoke to Jeff so often that I already know what he would have said about the events of that weekend.  Jeff still would have loved me no matter the situation.  I remember when his father was on his last hours of life; Jeff said to me, “I’m here Mom.  I am always here for you, even when I am not here, I am still here with you.”    

I believed him then, and I believe he is indeed here with me…even if he is not here…he is here.  My love for Jeff is no less now then it was while he walked this earth.  Jeff adored his parents, he was never ashamed of us, he loved just hanging with us, and he put us on a pedestal…Steve and I were greatly loved and in turn…Jeff was our pride and joy! 

   

Hi Doobie

Hi Doobie,

Where do I start baby?  I guess I can start by saying how very much I love and miss you.  There are very few moments in each and every day, in which I am not thinking of you in some way.  You are always on my mind baby…always.  I sometimes wonder if that will ever change.  Perhaps over time, it will change. I don’t know, I rather doubt it though.  I don’t think I will ever stop missing you.  It’s impossible, you are all I think about…throughout the day, every day, you are all I think about.  How I miss talking to you.  How I miss being around you and seeing you just being you.

Don’t get me wrong Doob, I am finally getting better.  It has taken nearly two years for me to acknowledge and to accept the love of my life will never again walk through my doors.  I come to realize I will never again have that unconditional love, I will forever have to live without you, and I now know…I will manage without you.  I still have days where my emotions go berserk, but really those days are far in-between now.  I am finally starting to not only feel better, but actually I can acknowledge my whole being is a little better.  This is a huge accomplishment.  (Huge…spelled correctly! HA!)  However, to acknowledge I will never again experience that unconditional love given me by you, is another story.  I guess this is what has held me back in moving forward…I know this now.  But I am nonetheless moving forward.  I know you are somewhere smiling for me, and cheering me on.  I also know you have been here with me this entire time, helping me through this dark passage of time.  Thank you baby…I love you so much for that.  What would I have done without your help?

So much has happened since you have departed this world.  For the last couple months I have finally been going through all the pictures…pictures of our lives together before my whole world fell apart.  I have gone through so many pictures…I guess I should feel lucky, I at least have all these pictures of you and of your father.  Like any parent of an only child, I throughout time, took countless photos of you.  I cannot tell you how many photos I have come across with you and your father together, you and me together, you and Tina, you and Stevie, and pictures of the three of us together.  And now they are all I have to fall back on.  I came across photos of you at 3 or maybe 4 years of age.  I had forgotten what a happy child you were.  You, in the pictures were laughing, playing, and just having a fun time.  How I miss your laugh and your beautiful smile.  How I miss that beautiful sound of your voice. 

I will be joining you one day, you and dad…I will one day be joining you both, at which time we will all be happy again.  This is something I fully believe.  We will all unite one day.  I don’t know when, but one day when my time is up, I will be there with you. 

Meanwhile please know I am always loving you…

Mom