Masks, And Secondary Loss

Masks, And Secondary Loss

It is not unusual for of the deceased to wear masks? Why would the bereaved wear disguises? Have you any idea who it is we are protecting? Oh yes, to answer my own question...we wear false faces daily. I am not talking about actual masks, I am talking about hiding our true feelings. We hide behind smiles, we hide behind our work, we blend into the background, and we do this to protect ourselves from the pitiful stares from all who know of our loss. We go through life hiding from the gazes given us by family and friends. We go through the day wearing a fictitious smile, and pretending not to hear the whispers. We do this, not only to protect ourselves…but also to protect those around us. What do you suppose would happen if those around us knew we mourned throughout each day? Would you feel uncomfortable if you knew this? Would you go out of your way to avoid us? Damn straight, you would indeed elude us like the plague. Why? For no other reason than we make everyone around us feel ill at ease.  If the people in our lives knew we suffer in grief daily, that knowledge alone would invade their comfort zone. People are afraid. Family/friends don't know what to say, are afraid they will say the wrong thing, don’t know how to act around us, so instead of just sitting and listening to us...they avoid us, albeit unintentional. It is a fact. We can get a complete stranger to listen, to understand, to have empathy…why…because they are not emotionally connected to us. How do/can we change our emotional makeup at a drop of a hat…after all…we just lost someone we loved. We cannot just flip on a switch to change our moods…so instead we learn to hide behind a pretentious facade. It really is a learned act on our part. After continuously seeing people avoiding eye contact, changing the subject, or stop asking how you feel…it doesn’t take long to realize we make other feel out of place around us. We who bemoan, put on our shoes one foot at a time, we go to work, interact with people daily…wearing this ‘happy face,’ but have you ever wondered what happens when we return home?

After I lost Steve, it took me years to get back my sense of self. It didn’t matter where I went nor did it matter whether or not I had a good time, every single time I returned home and opened the front door…it was as though I ran at full speed into a brick wall. The same way a babbling brook will turn into a roaring river after heavy rains, reality flooded my head, and reminded me that my loss is real. The pain I felt at the time and the pain I feel now with my son’s absence…is never ending. As a result, I immediately let go of my public persona and I revert to what’s left of my old self. You see, behind closed doors, we are the bereaved who cannot get out of the corner. In many cases we have come to rely on the ‘little pills,’ alcohol, food, or whatever crutch we use/need to make the pain go away. Truth is this absolute intense pain…does not go away. 

People ask, “How are you doing?” When anyone asks this question…the reply is simply…”good or fine.” And the person who asks the question simply walks away feeling good about the response. 

What they need to ask is, “How are you really doing?” I guarantee the response they get will be so much more than they can handle…and when they walk away they will not be feeling good. 

The differences between the first and second question is only one word…but the response would be mind boggling. In truth, all bereaved want to do is talk about the person who perished. It's unfortunate very few people are willing to listen. And for the people who do listen...half of them are squirming the whole time you are talking. Why? The reason is simple…nobody can sit there and watch another person cry. The whole aftermath of this entire grieving progression is just plain sad, regardless of which side of the coin you are on. 

I recently celebrated a birthday.  Tina, my step-daughter, invited close friends and family over for a party to celebrate.  Against my better judgment, I decide to go to avoid hurting her feelings. I was having an especially bad day to begin with, and really did not want to attend this party which was intended just for me.  (Whenever I go to these events I feel people are peering at me, whispering about me to each other. I make them uncomfortable and they make me feel like they are watching my every move.) Things were going along fine, we were all sitting around the table eating cake …but memories of Jeff were invading my mind. Jeff was missing here among the people I love most. The next thing I knew and at the drop of a hat, The tears which I had thus far held back started running down my face uncontrollably. It was my birthday, my son was not with us to celebrate.  Even though he lived in another state, he would have been here at the party, on the other end of the phone. I could not compose myself and sobbed aloud without care. Everyone look at me with disbelief, not knowing what to do. Some of them look around to see if anyone was going to take the initiative, while others just looked down to avoid looking at me. My friend Dwaine, could see my family was not coming to my aid, so he from across the room, took the initiative. He stepped over chairs and pushed his way around my grandson to make his way toward me. He embraced me until I stopped crying. All I needed was a hug to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. Everyone ignore me…I made them feel extremely ill at ease. We were there to play games, instead, I made them all feel bad. Excuses were made and each of them left early. There were no games played that night, everyone was gone within 30 minutes. 

This is why we go through life masquerading our emotions. This is why we do not share our deepest feelings, our inner most thoughts. This is why we are not honest in saying we are grief-stricken for the person we lost. This is why our family/friends stay away from us during our time of sorrow. My family, my closest friends did nothing, said nothing. Why? Because I made them feel awkward. Because I made them remember I was still devastated, and by crying aloud and in their presence, I reminded them again…of the reason I was heartbroken. We who suffer…suffer alone, it is a fact! 

The bereaved lose more than just a loved one. We sometimes also lose everything and every one associated with the deceased. This is referred to as a Secondary Loss. Secondary losses come in many forms. It could be a financial loss due to the loss of a spouse. His/her share of the family monetary income is now loss, thereby leaving the surviving spouse alone to take on the full financial burden of all household debts.  Their new income may be insufficient to make ends meet, leaving them in a position they may have never been in before. As a result the remaining spouse may have to lose/sell their home.  Children also suffer if they are caught in the crossfires. If children have to be relocated due to loss of their home they also take an emotional hit by losing their safety net, such as friends, bedrooms, schools, etc, which could lead to emotional anguish down the road. Leaving the children in a position of having to start in new surroundings, which could bring about difficulty in adapting to new neighborhoods, schoolwork, and difficulty making new friends, etc. Although this type of secondary loss is theoretical, in today’s economic state of affairs…this is a very real scenario. Losing a spouse/loved one can be devastating to the entire family and can have a domino effect for many months down the road. 

The disappearance of family and friends after your love one expires or even after a couple divorces is a very real scenario. Some family members will go out of their way to avoid the survivor for aforementioned reasons, leaving the survivor feeling alone and abandoned. It is akin to a divorce where one party gets the family and friends while the other party, through no fault of their own, losses them all. The description of a family I used earlier can be seen as loss, after loss, after loss, or as an incremental loss or incremental grief, where the entire house tumbles down brick by brick. One thing happens after another, after another…all as a result of someone passing away.

Incremental grief, can take the largest toll on an individual or a family. Another example, one which I am all too familiar with, is where the individual suffered by illness, long term. There are many emotions associated with his/her illness long before they are deceased. The death which has been difficult for the deceased, has been a long time in coming, and can also involve conflict with family and or professionals. The illness can drag on leaving your loved one to suffer in tremendous pain. As a caretaker there is nothing you can do to help ease the pain or lessen the burden he/she feels is put on you. Many things are said/done by family/friends either to the caretaker or to he/she who is ill. They may blame the doctors, the caretaker, or even the person who is dying. Words are devastating…people can forgive, but can never forget things that have been said to them or about them. People have a need to blame someone for the suffering of the loved one...it is so much easier to put the blame elsewhere than to accept their own responsibilities or rather their own guilt for not helping out.

Anticipatory grief is grieving your loved one long before they expire. As their caretaker, you'll see their pain day end and day out. One day you may wish for them to die to end their suffering...then the next day you'll do anything to keep them alive as long as possible. You may be riddled with feelings of guilt due to your thoughts about wanting/needing them to 'just die and get it over with.' Or you or your family may be suffering from guilty conscience due to how much he or she may be suffering. You may blame yourself or others may blame you for things you have said or done during the illness.  Another very real scenario is you may be angry at the person suffering because of the things they did to you prior to their illness, or because of the things they could not do for you because they are ill. Although others may see you as a strong individual, you may be angry because you see yourself differently. Unless we have been thrown into this situation where one of our own is gravely ill, none of us know how we will react. We all speculate the things we would or wouldn't do. We at times may feel helpless and find comfort in our faith, or we may lose our spirituality altogether. This is what I have come to do...I have lost my faith or at the very least I am strongly questioning it. I do not know what my spiritual future will be...all I know is right now I am angry at God. Have literally blamed God for both Jeff and Steve's deaths. Right now I am as odds with my own faith...with my God. 

Feelings of isolation are very real and although nobody has actually abandoned you, you may feel they have.  

Everyone says, "If you need me call me," or they will say "I am here if you need me." It could be they really will be ready to help you, but they may be waiting for you to reach out to them.  Meanwhile, you are wondering why they haven't called you to see how you are doing. Life can be very cruel...especially when communication is misinterpreted by all.  We all have people in our families who are our rocks...yet the minute they found out someone died...they are nowhere in sight. 

  “Where the hell is everyone?” I have ask this question many many times during these last 11 months. Truth is they have been hiding, with their heads in the sand. Hoping this will all blow over so they won't have to feel.  If they don't see it, if they don't talk about it...then they don't have to dwell on it.  Meanwhile, in my case...I have been feeling like nobody (family/friends), gave a damn about Jeff.  If they could not talk about Jeff's death, if they could not talk to me about him...then it must be because they did not love my son.  Can that be true?  Probably not...but that really did go through my mind. 

   

Your anger may be directed at the person you lost...because after all...they left you. Theoretically, the anger you are feeling will pass with time, although quite honestly...no bereaved parent/spouse wants to hear those words from anyone. 

"Oh, I know you are sad/angry now, but it will get better in time.  Time heals everything."  Who really gives a crap about that...we don't give a damn about emotions down the road.  We are dealing with very deep real  emotions right now in the present. Be it sadness or anger...we don't care about the future.  

Hell, truth is, most grievers cannot even appreciate they are in a state of anger, let alone want to hear someone tell them they are going through an angry stage. Family and friends who are 'on the outside looking in' have a better view of the stages we are going through, even though we cannot/do not realize it ourselves. 

Complicated grief is profound sorrow that gets worse as time passes. The bereaved have trouble moving on with their lives and may become more and more depressed without signs of emotional improvement. Therapy would probably be the treatment of choice in this situation.

“I could see myself going down this road. My emotions, my depression were completely taking over. I was having too many suicidal thoughts that would not go away. Up to this point I have done all that I can to stay alive...although I am full aware that I am not really 'living,' and even though some days it feels like I am just going through the motions...I am still above ground which has to be a good thing.” I think Jeff would be proud of me for being able to share my thoughts, for not being ashamed of criticism.

http://ottawa.ca/en/caregiver-guide/your-emotions-caregiver

 

http://books.google.com/books?id=t6ISrB6wpb0C&pg=PA44&lpg=PA44&dq=secondary+loss+after+death&source=bl&ots=vPdAvCRx48&sig=rydYLOeEymA7xd3bEz3pK1Erbvs&hl=en&sa=X&ei=BEj5UtSsLqi02gWI44C4CQ&ved=0CFAQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=secondary%20loss%20after%20death&f=false