Waves of Sorrow

Waves Of Sorrow

 I woke up crying this morning....at 2:30 am.  I was dreaming Jeff had passed away.  I was in his bedroom alone and I didn't know what to do with his clothes.  His clothes that overflowed in his closet, his shoes, his treasures he had throughout his room.  As I was going through his clothes I found several notes that he had left behind.  Notes addressed to me.

 "I love you Mom."

"Thinking about you Mom."

"Just want you to know I love you."

My emotions were so raw.  I was crying uncontrollably.  I kept holding one garment after another close to my chest…close to my heart.  “Where are you Doob?”  I kept saying over and over. ”Where are you Doob?”  I was holding his jacket in my hands and I was smelling it when I woke up.

It wasn't a dream...my son is gone.  My entire stinking life is a nightmare now.  It has been a slow sinking ship since I heard this indescribably horrendous news.  My ears, my mind, my entire make-up as a person has still not fully accepted this news.  How do I continue to move forward?  How many more days will I survive without the love of my life here with me.  This sorrow is all too consuming.  It has completely taken over my thoughts…all day long…when I am awake, when I am asleep.  My baby is all I think about. 

This morning on my way to work the roads were covered in a this layer of snow.  As I tried to drive defensively against the traffic I couldn’t help but think, “Where the hell are all these people going?  Do they not know Jeff is gone?  Do they not know my entire world has fallen apart?  Do they not give a damn?”  Everyone is in a hurry, life is so F’n short and everybody is still in a hurry.  My whole world has been stopped short, while everyone’s world is still spinning and they are all going full board.  It is as if all of their lives are being played on fast speed.  And here I am slowly dying.  What the hell is wrong with this picture?    

Do you know there are still times I sit in my corner hoping the phone will ring?  I know damn well it will never ring again…yet I still hope.  I still want to believe I will wake up from this horrible dream and I will at last be happy.  I know that will never happen, but my mind, my educated mind still has not fully accepted my loss. I keep hoping the universe will one day align just exactly right, and in my favor and everything will at last be back as it should be. 

Of course my dream was not real, hell, truth is Jeff hasn’t lived with me since he left the house at 17.   He was so close to Steve and I as a child, and he was closer still to us as an adult.  After his father passed away he grew closer to me than ever.  He knew my every mood, and I knew his.  When he called I instinctively knew if he was happy, sad, in pain, or whatever.  And to be honest…he hadn’t been fully happy for a long time.   He suffered so much pain.  Why was it God selected Jeff to punish with so much pain.   For all those who have said, "God will only give you what he knows you can handle," really do not know of what they speak.  They perhaps should have spent a day walking in Jeff's shoes.  I would like to know how they would have felt about God after that experience!  

I spoke to an old friend recently, she asked how I was doing with Jeff's absence.  She expressed how hard I took it when Steve passed away, was it the same.  Did I have the same emotions.  

"Hell no! The emotions are no where near the same.  Yes we go through the same grieving process...but the emotions are so much more intense.  Let me put it this way...losing Steve...as much as I loved Steve...was a cakewalk!"  She didn't get it.  We were talking about me losing my only biological child, she did not get it.  People like that will never understand.  When someone loses a spouse as hard as it is, you will eventually get over it.  As long as you are open to the idea, you can even find another to fulfill your life.  To fall in love again if you allowed yourself.  But when you lose a child, who will take his/her place.  No one.  No one will ever fill their shoes.  

These days my emotions are all over the board.  I can be having a good day and then something hits and 'BAM' I am down for the count!  I have taken a liking to sitting in my corner, actually I am not really sure if I have taken a liking to it or if I just cannot get out of it.  I wish I could remember the words Jeff used to get me out of the corner the last time around.  I step out of my corner long enough to go to work, long enough to go run errands, long enough to even visit Tina, or Dwaine...but the second I get home...I head straight to the corner.  One step at a time...that is what I have started doing...taking one step at a time.  I keep hoping it will get better...but to be honest...I am not sure it will ever get better.