My husband, Steve died on November 7, 2007. Some days it seems like only yesterday that he passed away. When Steve died I literally sat in the corner for three years, Maybe more. I turned down so many invitations that the invitation stopped coming in. I lost many friends because I was grieving. They just gave up...who can blame them. I certainly don't. Little by little my grief went from extremely intense to small waves of sorrow. It was like riding a roller coaster, first you climb up the tracks very slow and then when the train hits the top it races as fast as it can down the other side. And then again you experience the same emotions over and over. My grief, as I have learned, is the same way...I can be out and about running errands, working, having a fairly decent day, then I come home and open the front door. It is akin to running into a brick wall! The dark emotions which I suppressed all day to allow myself to function, all race back at the same time. With Jeff and Tina's help, I eventually came out of my shell after that dark phase in my life. I finally started living again. And now I find myself in that same dark tunnel. Only this time Jeff is not here to help.
I am not sure if a person ever fully stops grieving. I know my own mother still grieves her children, one of whom has been gone nearly 40 years. For a long time after Steve passed away every once in a while something would hit me like a tons of bricks. A memory of our lives together would create a tidal wave of emotions. It could have been cause by a smell, a song, or possibly a certain place that would bring back a wave of grief. A grief so intense it would buckle your knees.
I had one of those days yesterday...
I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew the plates on Steve's truck ('The Beast'). Of course I had forgotten to take the renewal slip with me. The gal at the counter says, "Well let's use your driver's license." It did not work, she could not find 'The Beast' in the system. We tried my address, still nothing. We tried the year, make, and model of 'The Beast'...nothing! I'm thinking, "What the hell."
I say to her, "This is crazy how can it not be there? I renew this vehicle every year." Please look again.
"Could it be in another name?" she asked.
I could immediately feel the tears welling up into my eyes. I had forgotten I never changed the title on 'The Beast!' Never changed the title because it was Steve's truck. I told her it was under Steve's name and let her know he had long since passed away. She looked under his name...he was no longer in the system. She was as nice as she could be because she could clearly see how distraught I had become. She explained the policies and advised me the time had come to change the title. She told me they would need the title before I could get it registered. I told her I would go get it and come back.
When I returned title and renewal slip in hand I was completely shaken up. She sensed the need to change the conversation so she asked, "Do you have children?" I tried so very hard not to blink. I knew if I blinked the tears which by now had formed a dam in my eyes, would force a river down each side of my face. We were taking Steve's name off of his truck. How could something so small and insignificant have taken such a toll on my emotions. Insignificant...no...it was Steve's truck! This small task of renewing a vehicle title brought about such a tremendous emotional reaction straight out of nowhere. I was unable to control this chain of emotional responses from within my body. I tried to change my thoughts so glanced upon the wall behind the clerk...there behind this clerk was a large wall mirror, just above this mirror was a license plate that read 'STEVE BLVD.' I strained to see through the tear soaked eyes, sure enough I really did see this message with Steve's name. Coincidence? I do not know, all I know is my hands shook so hard I could barely write out the check. All of a sudden I was getting confused with the dates of Steve's and Jeff's birthday...and the tears...they finally raced each other down my cheeks. My knees felt like they wanted to buckle, and the noise which I was trying so hard to hold back in my throat...finally force its way out of my lips the second I opened my car door.
I don't know if one ever really stops grieving. I think there will eventually come a day when you make it through the various stages of grief. Hell, you may not even know when you make it through. You may find that you went through several stages, only to find yourself back at the beginning....trust me I know. And quite honestly, unless someone professional tells you, you certainly won't know if you went through these stages in order or not. My guess is when I find myself on the other side of the dark bridge of life...I will have made it through. We talk about this in therapy all the time.."Where are you in your grief?''
My answer..."Who the hell knows! Who the hell cares? All I know for sure is, I am is a dark place."
5-Stages of Grief
1)Denial/Isolation
2)Anger
3)Bargaining
4)Depression
5)Acceptance
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/dealing-with-grief/5-stages-of-grief/
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