Death Is Only The End of A Chapter

Death: Is Only The End Of A Chapter

Really? Is this all death comes down to, just another chapter in someone’s life?  Hell NO!  I was doing research online and came across this website which has me fuming.  In the site counselors give grief advice...a father wrote in to get advice on the loss of his son.

I am so angry right now…angry that this person who is supposed to give advice, has taken it upon himself to tell a grieving father that his son was only a chapter in his life.  Absolutely not!  When we talk about chapters in our life, we talk about changing a job, a hobby, a phase, something that we know will pass and then we go on to something else.  But for someone to say a child who died was just a chapter in our lives…to me…is absolutely unbelievable and unforgivable!  Yes I am angry right now.  

The father writes in to say he cannot get over his son’s death…his grieving has taken over his life…(I can sincerely say, I have at times echoed this man’s emotions).  The adviser of this website started giving him the same advice many counselors would have given, have given me and countless others who mourn their children.  But he then ends his response by writing, “One last thought Army Ranger: death is only the end of a chapter.”  Seriously?  I wonder what that poor grief-stricken father must have thought, because I guarantee you any good advice that was written before this last sentence was forgotten by the father.   I can assure you readers of this blog that the father was horrified with this last statement.  His son of 26 years, the boy he raised, the man he now mourns…according to Bob the advisor of this website…is or was nothing more than a chapter in the father’s life!

If this ‘Bob’ is thinking Jeff was just a chapter in my life…then he is absolutely mistaken.  Jeff, as was the Army Ranger’s son…was my life.  Jeff was the core of my life.  The ’core of my life’ means he was the most important part of my life.  And if children are the most important part of any parent’s life…does that say they are not merely a chapter in our lives?  

When I think of a chapter I think of going through different phases of a life.  Take my job for instance…I just left one job for another…that last job I left will at some point be nothing more than a little chapter in this long life I live.  When I am 100 years old and I look back into the years of my life, I will see all the little areas of my life which were at one time important, but are now nothing more than my past.  My son…my dead son…will never be unimportant in my life.  He will always be a part of my life.  He was a part of my life while he was alive…he is a part of my life even though he is dead.  No, he is not now, nor will he ever be a little chapter in my life.    

I remember I was going through financial difficulties and a friend said to me….”Olgie at some point, you will look back in life and all this will just be a ‘blink’ in your life.”  A blink!  She was not talking about Jeff, I was going through a time in my life where keeping up with my finances were difficult, and this was her way of making me feel better.  She was right in saying this because going through various stages of life are far different than going through a bereavement process.   

Losing a loved one is not the end of a chapter…losing a loved one…losing a child, especially an adult child who has been an enormous part of your life…is more like the beginning of a new life.  A life without happiness, a life without your best friend, a life without love…and a life without the happiness you once knew.  losing a child is not the 'end of a chapter.' On the contrary...it is more like the end of your very own life.    

The fact that this 'Bob' could be so insensitive and callused tells me he has not had the personal experience of losing anyone close to him.  Believe me, his attitude would be completely different.  Oh, the things I could say to this ‘Bob’ had he been in my presence…believe me...they would not be pleasant.

Hi Doob

May 6, 2015

 

Doobie,  

             

There are so many days that are just hard.  Mother’s day is one of them.  I been thinking about you a lot lately Doobie…surely because Mother’s day is tapping on my shoulders.  Or maybe just because I miss you so very much.  If only you knew how very much you are missed, maybe you would come visit me more often.  I hate these empty arms of mine.  How I wish you were near so I could wrap them around you.  I would hug you and never let go.  Do you know that Doobie…do you truly know how much you are missed?  Do you know how very much you are still loved?  

Every day that goes by is one more day without your love.   Every day that goes by…is one more day without talking to you.  That is what my life is like these days Doob.  I sit and think of you.  Wondering what happened.  Wondering what could have been…just plain sitting and thinking about you.  I was working out in your Serenity Garden the other night…crying aloud…and wishing you were here.  I am alone most of the time Doob.  Everyone is gone.  Everyone.  I am alone…or at least I feel alone…even when I am not alone, I feel alone.  Does that make sense honey?  I’m sure this must have been how you felt in those last days of your life.  Alone. 

Have I ever told you, you are my hero…were my hero.  In all your struggles, you never complained.  You just sucked it in.  You never allowed me to hear you cry…although I know you did.  The same way I now suffer…I know you suffered.  This is why I am not at peace with God…because of the way he made you suffer.  Never allowing you to have one moment’s peace by taking your health away bit by bit…blow after blow…one disease after another.   This is how I now suffer.  The same way you thought of your upcoming death…your life without the kids, your life without me…this is the life I now have.  Empty.  My life is now empty.  My arms are empty…my heart is empty. 

So on this Mother’s day I, like so many other grieving mothers will go through the motions.  We will smile when someone says, ‘happy Mother’s day.’  We will go through the motions of enjoying the day…but deep down we will be missing the children who left this earth far too soon.  How many mothers have suffered without their children in their lives?  How many mothers will endure the empty feeling in their heart this Mother’s day?  I can only assume they like myself have suffered day after day.  

You were my hero baby, and now with you gone…without you, I have no wings…I have no heart…I have no protector.  I have tumbled from that pedestal you had me on…without you I have no life.   

~Mom

Mother's Day 2015

Mother’s Day

What Kind of emotions go through a mother's mental state after she has lost a child…and Mother’s day approaches? I can only talk about myself…and maybe about my own mother.

For my mother, I know she misses her children. She always brings them up in conversation when we talk. On Mother’s day she has expressed missing them more than usual. She has said to me, ‘This day that is supposed to be for children to cherish their mothers feels rather empty…with my children gone I just feel empty. I know I still have you kids here with me, but it doesn’t make up for the ones I lost, nothing makes up for that.” 

Unfortunately from my own experience, I know my mother’s grief. But does my mother really know my grief? Oh, don’t get me wrong…she grieves for the sons she lost, but she still has six children here on earth with her. Children she personally carried in her womb. Children she raised through good times and through bad times. We are still here. We talk to her, those that live near her, visit her when they can. I live nearly a thousand miles away, so although I cannot visit as often as I would like, I call her often. She confides in me about her losses. I suppose she feels a kinship of sorts because I too, lost a child. But the difference is, she still has biological children…I lost my only biological child. 

The last two Mother’s days were hard for me, but still I went through the motions. Still I smiled, and Tina and I did our thing buying and planting flowers, a tradition of sorts that we have been doing for a number of years now. She buys me flowers, and I buy flowers, and together we dig the old soil out all my flowerpots, add new soil, and plant all our freshly purchased plants. It literally takes the majority of the day, and by days’ end the front and back of my house are both decorated with beautiful arrays of color in each flower container. I love my day with Tina…and yet, I will be thinking about, and missing my Jeff all day. I won't wake up to his voice on the phone. There will be no “Happy Mother's day” from him tomorrow morning. I miss my son.

The last couple weeks have been especially hard for me with this special day approaching. I have been thinking of all the other mothers who have lost children. How do they fare on this day? What state of emotions do they go through? Is their grieving more intense on this day? In my research of this subject I found an article aptly named, “What Grieving Moms Want for Mother’s Day.” This article clearly states what every mother who has lost children want most is “Acknowledgement. They want recognition that they are still mothers even though they have had this tremendous lost.” After I lost Jeff, I questioned my own feelings on whether or not I was still a mother. My emotional state was such that I did not know if I was still a mother. I did not know if others would see me as a mother, or as a woman who lost a child. How would I be viewed by others? I searched for my own answers to this question.

This article came up with the top ten way to reach out to grieving mothers on this albeit special, to a grieving mother is a very difficult day.

1. “Recognize they are a mother: Offer a hug, or send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother.

   
   

2. Acknowledge they had a loss: Say, “I know this must be a difficult day for you, but I want you to know I am thinking about you.”

   
   

3. Use their child's name in conversation: People rarely speak the child's name anymore, but when they do it is like music to my ears.

   
   

4. Plant a living memorial: A tree, rose bush...these will grow in beauty as years pass.

   
   

5. Visit the grave site: Many mothers really liked when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or pebbles near the headstone.

   
   

6. Light a candle: Let the mother kn ow you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's day.

   
   

7. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and a favorite memory with them.”

   
   

8. Send a gift of remembrance: Mothers felt a small gift would be comforting, such as; angel statue, picture frame, book, or anything personal.

   
   

9. Don't try to minimize the loss: Avoid clichés; God needed another angel or You still have healthy children.

   
   

10. Encourage self-care: Important for 'healing the mind and spirit' according to several mothers. Give a day-spa certificate, etc.”

    
    

 

I truly miss my old life...my life with my son...and this is especially true on holidays or special occasions. These last few weeks have been most difficult when I returned home from work. I have been trying to stay busy working in the yard.  I've been trying to keep my mind focused on other things...but still I end up thinking about yesterdays. I know in my heart this current situation I am in is the exception and not the rule. A parent is not suppose to outlive their child...it is just not the way life was intended. Yet here I am, suffering like countless others who have lost children.  No, life was not meant for a parent to outlive their child.  I often feel I was cheated at life...I think back to a happier time in my life...and it makes me sad to know I will never have that 'happily ever after' that other women have.  There was a time in my life when I was truly happy...I now know I will never have that again.   

https://www.griefwatch.com/what-grieving-moms-want-for-mothers-day

Where Do I Go From Here?

Where Do I Go From Here?

These days I find myself envisioning what’s next…in my life.  What more can I expect to jump out at me.  Surely I have already experience the worst kind of sorrow, so what’s next.  And if this is true…if I have already experienced the worse kind of sorrow…then anything that comes my way…should be easy, right?  Should I wait for these shoes to drop, and if so, which of these shoes I wear will drop, and how far will it drop?  Where will the future take me, what direction will I, or should I, go?  And why do I worry about it?  If in fact, I have already been through the worst that life has to offer, shouldn’t I be looking forward to the future?  After all it should just be ‘peachy keen’ from now on out…right? 

I wonder what Jeff would think of my thoughts…these crazy thoughts that consume me from time to time.  Do other people have these same thoughts?  Are they, like myself, waiting for the shoe to drop?   I guess there has been enough turmoil in my life for me to know…or perhaps to just assume…there is more coming.  In the event a shoe drops…will I be prepared?  Is anyone really prepared for the unknown?  How many of us ever really think of the future…I am not talking of the future in a sense of where will I be or who will I become…for lack of another word, I am talking about heartache.  Will I ever be prepared for more heartache?  Does one ever prepare themselves for more heartache?  Do people who have had huge emotional loss actually prepare themselves for more sorrow?  Or do they go forward in life knowing the worst kind of emotional pain is behind them? 

No, I don’t think about where I will be, nor do I imagine who I will be…because truth is…I am already someone I do not recognize.  Someone who is much weaker, someone who has already been taken down by others, and who will probably always be a little handicapped in protecting myself over others.  This is who I have already become…a weak individual…someone Jeff would not recognize.  Someone who has had to ask for outside help…because she could not take care of herself.  This is who I am these days.  A weakling…no…Jeff would not be proud of his mother.  I am not proud of Jeff’s mother right now. 

There was a time you know…a time when I could accomplish anything I set out to do.  This was the woman Jeff was so proud about, this was the woman I was prior to losing my son.  Not anymore…don’t get me wrong…I have not given up, but even I have my limitations.  I do believe I have fallen so low that it is just going to be an uphill climb from here on out…I am climbing nonetheless.  It is just hard.  How many times have I written about my corner?  The corner in which I seek refuge…the corner which has thus far kept me relatively safe…the corner which at times has held me hostage.  I use the word ‘hostage,’ because I was unable to tear myself from this corner.  Although I am in a mentally better state of mind…I at times still find myself in this corner.  By now you would think I would be so sick of this damn corner…well truth be told…I most certainly am.  And even though, it is still hard for me to move, little by little…day by day…I am setting my sights in a forward motion.  I really have been moving forth…there are just too many obstacles in my way.  There are days where that motion is more like that of a snail…but even snails move…a little slower maybe, but they still move…as am I.   

Where do I go from here?  This question has gone over my mind many times a day.  I keep thinking I will make my peace with God…I keep thinking I will go to church…but I am not ready to do that yet.  Every once in a while someone will say, “Thank God” for this or that…and I just cringe.  All I can think is I have nothing to thank him for…nothing.  Am I still angry with God?  No, I don’t think I am.  I just cannot bring myself to love him anymore.  I guess I feel he has let me down one time too many…so I let him walk past me…I do not allow him to interfere with my life anymore.  There will be readers of this blog who will disagree…but it does not matter…we are all individuals and I know we will not agree on every little thing in life.  I guess that is how I feel…I just don’t care.  To me, God is nothing more than another little thing in life, and in my case…I just don’t care anymore.  Where do I go from here?  And how will I get there, wherever there is?  Who knows?    

I find myself thinking that much of the time…I just don’t care about many aspects of my life.  Yes I care about my health.  I take care of my health, and try to ensure I am a relatively healthy individual.  But as far as other things surrounding my life…it just does not matter.  I have found out…the hard way…life is just too damn short to worry about the little things in life.  Life is too damn short to worry about people who don’t call me anymore.  Life is just too damn short to worry about stupidity…or people who are too stupid to worry about themselves.  I have found out the hard way if you give too much of yourself…people take advantage and then expect more.  In return, the giver gets minimum at best.  This is the reality that life offers…so consequently…I guess I just don’t care.  I gave and gave and gave to everyone, including God…and in return…am paying the price for my good deeds.  Now isn’t that something to think about?  Am I being cynical…no…just stating a fact.  Perhaps in time things for me will change.  Perhaps in time my outlook in life itself will change.  Perhaps in time when I think about my future…I will be thinking about my future, what life has in stored for me…not what heartache is left for me to endure.